Seated in the corner of a cafe are two people whose eyes won’t meet each other. The excitement they felt on their first date seemed so distant now. Looking at each other, they saw nothing but their incompatibility. Yet, how could they expect to be compatible without having put any effort into sustaining a good relationship? How and when is one even meant to learn this skill?
Adolescence is when most people begin to experiment with dating. Ironically, it can be all the more difficult and awkward during this time. Jumping into a mature relationship and not having yet discovered one’s values can be very intimidating.
Hollywood has heavily romanticized the idea of being in love, promoting beliefs that simply being in a relationship results in an automatic “happily ever after.” However, the connection between two people is more valuable than the thrill of a label. It’s beneficial to become close first, so that two people can make a more educated decision on whether or not to date.
Lorin Banks has been married for ten years and works as a licensed clinical social worker. “When friendship comes first, the relationship is built on shared interests, fun, laughter, and understanding,” she says, “which can strengthen the romantic connection over time and help it survive beyond the initial spark.” Lily Neveau, a sophomore at Franklin who is in a nine-month relationship, shares this belief, encouraging friendship first to “create a bond so that you know you can be best friends and partners at the same time.”
However, Tee Mugayi wrote in his article, “Here’s Why Becoming Friends First When Dating Is Counterproductive,” that some people can find this process more confusing than simply going into it with the intention of dating. While this is a fair criticism, as long as both people clearly communicate their needs and expectations for their relationship, becoming friends will only save time in the long run, as both parties will have a better understanding of their compatibility before the relationship even starts.
After forming a genuine friendship, there comes the hurdle of making it something more. Isobel Hormozi and Takeru Guymon, both sophomores at Franklin, have been dating for a little over a year. Guymon believes that when it comes to asking someone out, one should never make that move via text. Instead, it’s best to make a phone call or speak face-to-face in order to show that you care enough to take that risk.
As for the first date, Hormozi says, “I personally like to go somewhere where I can spend mostly one-on-one time, such as a park or hanging out late outside of school.” Choosing an outing that does not distract from getting to know each other allows both parties to get the most out of the excursion. Banks agrees, advising against focus-stealing movies, and recommends activities that provide “something to do, [in order] to fill any potential awkward silences.” According to Banks, this “[ensures the ability] to talk and get to know the person with less pressure.” Despite the benefits of more activity-based dates, less demand for conversation can make movie dates a more attractive option for those who feel especially nervous, plus you can bond over the film afterwards.
To see whether two people are a good romantic fit, Hormozi places personal emphasis on shared values. I personally agree that values heavily affect the way people behave towards one another, especially partners. Guymon suggests observing “how they treat their loved ones, because that’ll be you one day.”
Banks, however, believes compatibility is not solely based on the actions of the other person. Instead, the feelings and emotions they evoke play a big role. Questions she recommends asking are, “Do you feel comfortable being yourself? Do you feel relaxed, valued, and appreciated, or do you find yourself holding back or acting in ways that don’t feel authentic just to earn their approval?” Ultimately, you don’t want someone to fall in love with a fake version of yourself.
Many older generations appear to hold the heterocentric belief that men should always be the ones to pick up the bill. Younger generations, however, taking into consideration queer relationships as well, have differing perspectives. Hormozi believes it’s the responsibility of whoever offers the date first. “For example, if Tak asked me to get coffee, I’d assume he would be paying. And if I were to ask him out, I would be paying for it.” This belief is much fairer between partners, and still applies beyond the gender identities of those involved.
Establishing guidelines such as these will only make for less miscommunication in the future. However, not all youth follow the same rule. Neveau describes her routine as, “whoever has the most money usually, and we try to keep it fair between both of us.”
Neveau and Banks bring up two main points on how to resolve conflict in early-stage relationships. The first is communication. “Communication is key; telling the other how the other’s actions affected us and why,” says Neveau. “Even if it’s hard, always try to communicate and fix it.” Clearly expressing one’s emotions prevents harmful assumptions and greater misunderstanding. Being friends first makes the tough moments that require communication easier, especially in the beginning of a relationship.
The second point is reaching a composed state. Banks says that “It’s best to talk about things when both people are in a calm mindset and have enough time, rather than when stressed or rushed.”
The term “dating” has a variety of meanings, and many interpret it differently. Some view it as an official relationship, while others see it as a trial before the relationship begins. I personally believe dating is how one gets to know the other person before making it official. However, due to people’s differing perspectives and opinions, knowing where one stands is an uncomfortable yet important thing to confirm. Banks corroborates this, saying that “It is better to ask and know than to assume incorrectly and get hurt.” Neveau appears to be of the second belief: “I like to go on a date and see how it goes, and then have a conversation.” Meanwhile, Hormozi appears to be of the first belief: “I believe once you two have confessed and started dating, that’s the point where you’d consider it official.”
There is no single correct way to handle the dating process. However, building a strong friendship before jumping into an official relationship is a much better method than starting off dating immediately. This is because it builds a bond between two people rather than pressure to be in a relationship. Spending distraction-free one-on-one time together on the first date, looking for shared values, creating a fair pay system, calmly resolving issues, and communicating as much as possible are also important guidelines to increase its chances of success. With so much to consider, dating as a teen can feel quite nerve-racking. However, it is also meant to be an opportunity to have fun and learn more about yourself.
