For many people, promoting the happiness of the people in their lives is a top priority. According to a YouGov survey, 49% of respondents said that they identify as “people-pleasers,” a term for someone who prioritizes making others happy at the expense of their own wants or needs. In our society, we often talk about people-pleasing as a behavior that is incorrect or unhealthy. While it can be harmful in certain situations, it is also more complex than that.
People-pleasing comes from a variety of places and plays a significant role in the way humans interact with one another. It is thought to be a result of social roles and hierarchies, where those who are perceived as compliant and helpful are rewarded. Bosses and employees, parents and children, and even romantic and platonic relationships can give us insight into the way we interact with each other, and the problems that can arise when one person is constantly yielding to the other’s desires. “Being a people-pleaser is essentially a relational strategy, meaning it’s a way to get our needs met. One of our fundamental needs as humans is connection, and another one is safety,” says Ann Stoneson, a licensed professional counselor. “What’s tricky is that with people-pleasers, they tend to be chameleons. That is to say, they change who they are to suit the people around them because they believe that by being similar or overly accommodating, they will always have a place at the table.” As social creatures, the desire to fit in or be accepted by other people is deep-rooted, and it influences many of our actions.
“A lot of people have these core beliefs [such as] ‘I’m not good enough,’ so the behavioral strategy is to be a people-pleaser, so then you feel good enough about yourself and people like you because you’re pleasing them,” says Julie Osborn, a licensed clinical social worker with a doctorate in psychology. On the surface, people-pleasing can seem like a selfless habit, but it is important to look at it through the lens of self-preservation as well: when you consistently agree with others just to be more appealing to them, it does not actually benefit those relationships, but rather can be incredibly detrimental to them. It can make it much more difficult for others to really get to know you as a person when you are only mirroring what they want.
People-pleasing shows up in all kinds of relationships, whether it be romantic, platonic, familiar, or workplace. “At work, often people-pleasers will be very high-achieving,” says Stoneson. “They tend to be self-sacrificing, and they tend to take on more work than perhaps they can handle. In romantic relationships, what you’ll see is often a person who’s very accommodating initially, … and then later on gets kind of burned out trying to orbit around their romantic partner, and their partner may get quite frustrated with [not really knowing who they truly are].” In general, the effects of people-pleasing are pretty similar across the board, regardless of the type of relationship the behaviors take place in. Lower self-esteem, burnout, and resentment are all common consequences of people-pleasing. Additionally, as Stoneson explains, people who have difficulty with setting boundaries or saying no can end up being good targets for others who might want to exploit that to their own advantage.
It appears that some people are more prone to people-pleasing behaviors than others, particularly women and neurodivergent people. “Socially speaking, if most women tend to be in bodies that are smaller in size or with less muscle mass than male bodies, using relational strategies to try and de-escalate a situation in order to preserve [their] safety is a smart strategy,” says Stoneson. As for neurodivergent people, she says, “I think [some] autistic people can people-please as a form of masking, where they basically try to fit into a social setting to create some sense of safety. … Again, that’s another group of people that are actually quite vulnerable at times to abuse by other people.”
However, people-pleasing is not a purely unhealthy habit as it is so often represented. Rather, it’s generally neutral as long as it does not become a consistent behavior used for the wrong reasons. It tends to become a bigger issue when one can no longer use it as a voluntary strategy, or engages in that behavior in an unhealthy capacity. “I think it’s important to emphasize that people-pleasing often comes from a good place — wanting to connect with others and be helpful. But it’s also okay to prioritize yourself. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, where both people’s needs matter. Learning to balance kindness toward others with kindness toward yourself is key,” says Ilene Cohen, a licensed family therapist and author of “When It’s Never About You: The People Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom.”
Moreover, people-pleasing can and has been used as a form of self-preservation from legitimately dangerous situations. Often referred to as the “fawn” response, it fits alongside the typical “fight, flight, freeze” reactions to danger and can be useful in appeasing an aggressor to prevent conflict and preserve safety. “Having anger is a privilege, unfortunately, in a lot of different cultures and societies,” says Stoneson. “If it’s not safe for you to have anger, … sometimes the best thing you can do is smile, and nod, and agree, and hope that you get out the other side alive.” It is in this way that we can see that people-pleasing plays a much greater role in our society than it is typically given credit for. Stoneson concludes, “It’s a strategy that has problems, but it also deserves a fair amount of respect too.”
