Who Are The Hottest Presidents?

Who Are The Hottest Presidents?

A tournament style series of brackets depicting the Presidents’ losses and victories based on appearances. Illustration by Pearl McNames.

Let’s put politics aside for the pursuit of the truth. And of course, the ultimate tool for truth lies with Instagram polls. For those imagining life with a brother starling presidential fox, I am here to illuminate the most seductive details of our candidates.

To ensure the most scientific results, I have consulted with an Unbiased Anonymous Lesbian Control Group (referred to by multiple titles to keep things spicy), consisting of seven lovely individuals. In addition, historical facts were provided by a member of the Franklin High School History Department, to give you some splendid insight into the lives of these mysterious men. It is highly recommended that you take a moment to do some visual research on our top candidates, as the polls included an image of them as their young saucy selves as well as at their presidential stage. Over the course of several weeks, I have analyzed the poll results, the opinions of my control group, and the juicy details in order to bring you the ultimate ranking of hot presidents. Spoiler alert, this writer takes full responsibility for leveraging 244 years of female objectification and patriarchal legislation into this ogling of the men in charge. So, without further ado, here are the top eight hottest presidents, as decided by your peers.

#8. Jimmy Carter

Overall Jimmy boy only gained a measly seven votes. One may think he’s simply an unmenacing, American peanut farming good ol’ boy. Our Lovers of Ladies Looking at Hot Head Honchos put it as, “he could easily pass as a Victorian orphan.” He does have some smooth elastic skin going for him, in both an odd way, and a yaaaasss girrrl way. Also noteworthy are his nomination for a Nobel Peace Prize for his work to eliminate poverty (making him most likely a caring companion), as well as his “fish lips.” 

#7. Ulysses S. Grant

A stately man, Grant has symmetrical features and eyes full of emotion. Grant was the perfect company for a moody rainy afternoon lunch date. He battled bipolar depression with valor, just as he did the Confederacy. Grant beat Jimmy boy with 11 votes, and was met with all around less negativity from The Committee of Insightful People Who Are Not Into Men That Way. It was stated that “he could be a dad who makes craft beer,” with props to his provocative shoulder tassels and yummy vampire hair in his younger years. Personally, this writer thinks Grant was under-represented vote wise, but perhaps our participants were turned off by his squareish face and blank stares; or maybe that his first name is really Hiram. 

#6. Abraham Lincoln

The first reaction from The Delightful Humans for Truth in Sexiness, was “woah. Jump scare warning please.” At first, yes his guanty cheekbones can be startling, but on second consideration he could be “a past life of Timothee Chalamet” and has a nice head of hair for a president who underwent perhaps the most stressful time in American history. If one wanted a situation in which to seduce the lanky chap, they should consider a basketball game. Abe loved to watch some ‘ball, in between wartime strategizing. He had a great sense of humor as well and replied to jokes of him ‘being two faced’ with: “If I really had two faces, do you think I’d stick with this one?” Lincoln was aware that his looks were an acquired taste, which was somewhat confirmed by his total number of votes being 41.

#5. Teddy Roosevelt

My favorite quote from our Collection of Brave Local Hottie Experts was: “he’s the type of guy who would be a great mall Santa.” Also fascinating was the notion that his mustache bears a striking resemblance to the Lorax’s. Both of these images correlate with the fact that the Teddy bear was actually named after him. He was a careful man who was rumored to think football was too dangerous of a sport. If you are the kind of person who needs a steady hand to compliment your quirky crazy, Teddy might be your guy.  I received several passionate DMs arguing for the likeness of Teddy, who captured the hearts of many of our poll participants, although he received only a total of 37 votes. In addition, he gave one of our top guns a run for his money, read more to find out who!

#4. Richard Nixon

By far the most controversial member of this race, our voters either fell for the bad boy, or thought that he looked like a serial killer. While Nixon totalled 79 votes over two rounds, he was head to head with Teddy, and had his loyal supporters when up against a top dog. Unfortunately however, our Undisclosed Lesbian Jury of Hot Knowledge did not take a liking to him, which bumped him down a rank. Factors to this decision included jowls… and a similarity with JD from Heathers in his young days. Reducing his sexy effects are his severe struggles with profuse sweating, so much so that it heavily impacted the first televised Presidential Debate in 1960.

#3. Ronald Regan

With an overall total of 123 votes over two rounds, Mr. Movie Star did quite well in the polls (not unlike his approval ratings after he left office). Beating out Lincoln, Regan’s charming features and innate ability to play cowboys and lawmen made him a crowd pleaser in his day and ours. In the eyes of the The Collective for the Pursuit of Scholarly Sensuality, Regan is popular because, “he’s quite Orlando Bloomish in his younger days.” They also noted that “he’s own-a-yacht kinda hot, but also once he was in office, reminds us of Ironman’s dad.” If you, like many, wish that you could get a glimpse of Ronald racing towards you with arms open, you just might be in luck. As an avid fan of the Back To the Future series, it would be no surprise if he’s either living it up in the Wild West, or sneaks back onto the 2032 ballot. 

#2. John F. Kennedy

It’s no surprise that the beloved womanizer and lover to Marilyn Monroe has done very well for himself here. With a total of 210 votes in three rounds, the youngest president in American history worked his magic. His hairline is super impressive, and some film historians credit him with the prosperity of the Bond franchise because he endorsed them so heavily. That’s a pretty big flex. Perhaps the only caveat to Kennedy’s sexy success, is that he died so young that we don’t have the same tarnishing image in our minds that we might have of say, Nixon at 70. Nevertheless the little we did see him age, was not bad.

#1. HOTTEST PRESIDENT: Barack Obama

As the Splendid and Impartial Deciders of Presidential Hotness stated: “he’s so fine, I have no jokes.” Barack means ‘blessed one’ in Swahili, and wow was his momma right on track with that one. From his eloquence to his wonderfully tailored suits, this gentleman ravaged the polls with a whopping 364 votes. “Obama is the kind of dude who would probably let us paint his nails.” If you are wanting more delicious details about Franklin’s Official Hottest President, I recommend you read Becoming by Michelle Obama and you will fall head first as you read along with their love story.

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