TW: Mentions of death, suicide, and self harm.
“I Didn’t Mean To Haunt You” is Quadeca’s third studio album and his most ambitious project yet. He originally started as a YouTuber and rapper, so seeing his transition from semi-generic rapping to something completely different is truly amazing. He took a year and a half hiatus before releasing this album, and he spent around 16 hours a day in the studio almost every day working on it, which is evident.
“I Didn’t Mean To Haunt You” refers to Quadeca’s fictional journey through dying after committing suicide. It follows the emotional repercussions of his suicide, watching his family and life go by without him while being stuck in a purgatory of being a ghost. “I Didn’t Mean To Haunt You” refers both to him literally haunting his family and to his memory and suicide still emotionally haunting his family.
“sorry4dying” is the first track on the album, and introduces us into this project with an emotional opening of a quiet pad jingle into a powerful section of strings, glitches, and effects showcasing the emotion of him after his death, leading into the first sentance of the album; “come to think about it, it’s all in my head” which are the first words he speaks after dying by suicide. Throughout this song he references his suicide such as “somewhere, I had god stuck in between my hands,” referring to how he ended up with depression and the choice of suicide. This song was mainly about coming to terms with his death and realizing that he’s a ghost; this is supported by lines such as “passin’ through the walls I used to call my home” and “left my body on the doormat/ turned away/ decided not to go back.” He also apologizes for his suicide as he realizes how it negatively impacts his loved ones.
The sound design in this track was absolutely beautiful. I loved the contrast between the emotional first half of the song showing his initial emotions after taking his own life, and the second half being this fast paced, enraged drum’n bass-esque section with his emotional vocal layers up top displaying his regret. All ending with an ascending emotional section but then leading back into the initial pad. Overall I loved this song and the story was so good, 9.5/10.
“tell me a joke” is another powerful song that showcases Quadeca’s realization of dying and being alone masked by him telling corny jokes. The first line on this track is “knock knock who’s there,” which is a double entendre of him searching for people in this spectating limbo, while at the same time telling a corny knock knock joke. The chorus highlights this more with him saying “all I could hear were the crickets, finally the joke is on me.” This song also talks about him searching for a way out saying, “reach through the walls, felt for a key” as he is looking for an escape from the embarrassment of his life being a “bad joke.” He also mentions his regret of ending his life in this song with “I tried not to miss it, everything I couldn’t be.”
The instrumental on this song was again perfection with more of a wavy soulful feel to it. Then, there is a heavy distorted emotional chorus at the end of the song. The use of violin in this song combined with his layered vocals in the background really struck a chord with me emotionally, especially after the soundscapy intermission leading into the final chorus. And the ending of him knocking really highlighted his feeling of being stuck while also referencing the aforementioned double entendre. I really enjoyed this song and everything about it was perfect, 10/10.
“don’t mind me” really gives us the full picture of Quadeca’s limbo and his desire to interact with the people around him while they grieve. He states throughout the song “don’t mind me, I’m somewhere in between,” referring to him watching his family while in his limbo. During this track he also talks about his family’s desire for closure that he so desperately wants to give them but he can’t. I think the lines “you point to the sky/ If only you knew, I’m so much closer,” and “Yeah, it’s alright/ I’m right by your side, just over your shoulder,” paint this picture best. What’s very depressing is how he refers to his mother combing through her pictures of them together, longing for him; this really struck me emotionally.
The sound design on this song was really colorful and pretty, I loved the square pad he had at the beginning of the song and the pretty arp that went along with it. This song had almost a drill feel to it in the first verse which I absolutely loved, especially with his emotional execution of it. The switch up with the arpeggiating piano leading into a beautiful soundscape gave me chills. I absolutely loved this song, it had me tearing up towards the end, 10/10.
“picking up hands” is a song talking about his journey through childhood and looking back at memories from his childhood after being stuck in this purgatory. It starts with lyrics describing him being born “picking up my hands, turning around covered in skin.” I loved the chorus effect he had on his vocals as he sang about walking through his childhood home while being stuck as a ghost. I could really feel his pain and regret in this song, as though revisiting his childhood brought him through a full circle of regret, and he communicated that super well through his almost half crying singing.
The sound design on this track fully communicated all of his emotions which brought me to the brink of tears. The soulful guitar combined with the chops of a music box brought me to imagine watching myself as a child and being filled with regret as he was. He used risers very well in this song, creating this quick burst of emotional buildup just to lead back into what was happening before, leading you onto his emotions. The use of strings on this song was so good, and the way he layered it with the rest of the sounds was perfect. The ending message that life is a game and instead of the universe being free to roam in the end you’re just stuck in torture and nothingness was really amazing. I loved this song, 10/10.
“born yesterday” is about him watching his mom deny her grief’s existence and her pretending she’s moved on. He communicates this by saying “I wasn’t born yesterday/I think you’re goddamn lying” to show that he isn’t naive and he can see her grief. There is a sample that plays throughout this song from The Beatles’s “For No One” saying “you want her, you need her, and yet you don’t believe her,” signifying his need for his mother’s love and care despite her denial of grief and care. He sings about his mom forgetting about him as a coping mechanism throughout this song, and how this affected him. He communicated this through an extremely powerful chorus and verse where he talks about the time since his suicide, and missing his mom, saying, “I cried when you went away” after she pretends to move on. This leads to the best bridge on the album where he sings about his regret of committing suicide saying, “all those little things I should have said out loud” and “I’d be free if I just saved the date/ I’d be there with you right now.” The thing to top it all off which made me cry was him saying “every little thing/ I did to make you proud,” which absolutely sent me.
The sound design on this song was perfect, every little detail. From the sample of the Beatles song to the ending bridge, it was a masterpiece all the way through. Another thing that really did it emotionally for me was when he was crying on the bridge, he was truly conveying his raw emotions in the purest form, and I felt it. I wouldn’t change a thing about this song, it’s perfect, and still gives me goosebumps even though it came out before the album itself, 10/10.
“the memories we lost in translation” isn’t exactly a lyrically filled song and conveys its emotion purely through sound design. He does say “You don’t grieve/ so what about me?” likely talking about one of his family members, and also about his mother grieving him. The pads on this song were just brilliant, and the guitar arp he had in the second half was so pretty. I can’t really convey the emotion of this song through words but it was very good. 9/10.
“house settling” (feat. Danny Brown) might be the most important song on this project as it’s about how he died. We learn that he used an oven to take his life and his thought process while he was doing it. First he sings about his loneliness as a ghost and his time to reflect on his mistake of committing suicide. We learn that his mom was outside during it and how she was forgiving him for something that we don’t know about, but in the end it was too late. Quadeca was begging her not to breathe in as carbon monoxide (CO) from the oven was filling the house, he was choking and was making the boards creak, his mother took it as the house settling. We then learn that after his death his mom cremated him with the line “I cuddled up as a vase on the shelf” before cutting to him singing about him dying, with background vocals of him suffocating in the background. He then goes on to narrate the actual experience of dying from CO poisoning, singing about being dizzy and suffocating. Danny Brown’s verse on this song was extremely powerful, rapping from the perspective of CO. He is talking directly to Quadeca as he seeps into his lungs, suffocating him. He talks about Quadeca not going through anymore pain from depression and how this is it, and ending his verse with “you’re dead to me/ so go to sleep. You’re dead to me, say R.I.P,” showing the end of Quadeca’s life.
The instrumental on this song complimented the lyrics perfectly with an emotional start leading into a powerful angry second half with booming pianos and gritty mixing. He captured the sadness and pain of his death perfectly through the execution of his song, and Danny Brown’s rapping felt perfect for the track. The use of strings and guitars in this song was really good and gave me major goosebumps. The ending transition on this song also complimented the story with an intense buildup before cutting to nothingness, simulating his death. Yet another song that made me cry from this album, and probably my favorite. 10/10.
“knots” is weird, to say the least. He refers to knots as bumps in his neck and chest, possibly referring to anxiety, but more so referring to the issues in his life that he’s fed up with. This song is about a lot of things and not one specific thing, but there are a few things I would like to highlight. He uses the line “I don’t fade to black, I cut to static” referring to aging and progressing through a normal life, however, he instead cut his life short by taking it, he cut to static. Cutting to static also is a prelude to the end of the album. He uses breathing a lot on this song to simulate him suffocating from the CO.
The sound design on this song was kind of overwhelming but in a good way, it has a Death Grips feel to it with its execution. It reminded me of a tirade at some parts as well and I really enjoyed the use of guitars on this song. The use of church bells showcasing his funeral was also a really interesting detail. I enjoyed this, but definitely wasn’t expecting it, 8.5/10.
“fantasyworld” is an emotional ballad with powerful piano and lyrics. He sings about being bored as a ghost and “counting sheep” waiting for time to go by as he’s stuck in his purgatory. He talks about fantasizing for his limbo to end and for him to ascend into the afterlife, but he can’t. He sings about his initial desire to die and “dream about crossing” referring to the afterlife, but even though it was what he wanted, he still wanted to rethink his options in the end. He’s completely lost the ability to do anything but watch and haunt as the world goes by saying things like “when there’s nothing to say,” referring to him being a ghost and losing the ability to communicate, and “so why try to move a hair when you barely exist,” referring to him completely giving up in this limbo. The song ends with him singing about wanting to live in a fantasy world (heaven) because he’s stuck in this limbo and he just wants it to end.
This song had the most beautiful instrumental, and even though it did drag on a little bit I still really enjoyed it. From the impactful piano to the powerful chorus with heavy hitting drums and an angelic atmosphere. This song was almost heavenly in the way it was executed and I was riddled with goosebumps after the end. During my initial reaction, I had to take a break for a second to stop crying from how beautiful this song was. Perfect track, 10/10.
“fractions of infinity” (feat. Sunday Service Choir) is about how we’re all engulfed in our own world, and yet we’re all just in one infinite void and are completely insignificant. He’s just one tiny part of a bigger story and in the end his existence is in someone else’s hands in this limbo. He also sings about missing time with his mother but “the clock hands just keep pushing him away” referring to time taking him from his mother. It ends with a powerful verse from the Sunday Service Choir singing “those words don’t do you justice,” referring to how he cannot emphasize his deep emotional regret and pain for committing suicide.
I absolutely loved the emotion conveyed on this track and I could not put into words the amount of goosebumps I got from the Sunday Service Choir. This song had a very folk/indie feel and I was floating throughout the whole song. This one didn’t make me cry but I was pretty close, and I really felt the emotion that he was conveying throughout the track. Super good, 9.5/10.
“cassini’s division” (feat. Thor Harris) is another weird song. It’s different from “knots” in its weirdness, as this one is a lot more ethereal and not at all aggressive. It really only works in the context of the album. It’s about how he felt when he woke up after dying in his purgatory, his family fully moving on from his death, and how Quadeca’s proud of them for doing so. He’s caused so much emotional trauma for them, and yet they were able to move on from it. He doesn’t want them to fully move on from him and retain his memory, but he wants them to be ok. Towards the end of the song he says “maybe that’s the perfect void that’s begging me to join it,” signifying that he’s fully accepted his death and he’s ready to be done. He’s done holding onto the world around him and he wants to cut to static, as previously mentioned in “knots”). Before the end he can be heard crying in the background of the instrumental, which is him coming to the realization that this is it, he’s done. Then, it cuts to building static, this can be interpreted in many different ways but I would like to think that it’s him sort of dispersing. His existence is fading away and he’s going back into the world.
The sound design on this track was almost alien with Quadeca’s muddy talking in the background. I wasn’t quite sure what I was listening to but I liked it. Again this song would only work in the context of the album, but yet it’s still super powerful. The ending static felt like the perfect conclusion to this album. Overall I really enjoyed the song, 9/10.
This album is probably the best one I’ve heard in a long time. It’s so unique in its concept, and I’ve never had an album really make me think about my own mortality in this way before. The sound design was beautiful all the way through (yes even “knots”), and I’ve never heard anything like this. It reminded me slightly of Radiohead’s “A Moon Shaped Pool,” especially “Daydreaming,” but executed in a completely different way. This album was overall a 10/10 for me and I strongly recommend you listen to it.
