Disclaimer: This horoscope was written by someone who has no astrological accreditation whatsoever. Abby Emrich should not be trusted to give out any advice at any point ever, and this piece should not be taken seriously in any capacity.


(January 20-February 18)

Advice to follow for this month: just because something at a thrift shop is 50% off does NOT mean you should buy it. Even if it’s an amazing striped cashmere sweater, you probably don’t need it.


(February 19-March 20)

Take your socks off now, dangerous chemicals lay beneath!


(March 21-April 19)

Make sure to set your time limits for Instagram and other forms of social media this month so you don’t overdo it; then subsequently ignore all the alerts and time limits until you’ve accidentally spent four hours hunched over your phone, effectively giving yourself back issues. 


(April 20-May 20)

You will inherit debt this month. It will be from me, sorry you will have to take on my debt I have too much due to a severe addiction to signing up for credit cards.


(May 21-June 20)

Shave your head, you won’t regret it! -someone who shaved their head and regrets it.

Don’t believe the liars that tell you you’ll look good with a buzzed head.


(June 21-July 22)

Your next career will be a soup maker on a cruise ship.


(July 23-August 22)

Believe in yourself this month! Try something new, maybe buy one of those ten-pound bags of gummy bears off of Amazon, try a new hobby.


(August 23-September 22)

Keep tabs on your bank balance this month, don’t overspend and make sure to budget correctly. This shouldn’t be hard seeing as you don’t have any money to budget or overspend in the first place.


(September 23-October 22)

Spend a few hours this month organizing your shoes by color and alphabetical order (by brand name). This life hack will make your life much easier!


(October 23-November 21)

Take the time to care for yourself this month. Make sure to avoid carpal tunnel syndrome by getting up and taking a break between rounds of playing Slither.io. Your body will thank you later!


(November 22-December 21)

The next animal you adopt must be named Chris to fulfill the prophecy


(December 22-January 19)

Whatever sickness you have this month, it’s because of that damn phone. Back when I was in high school we had to walk across miles of desert to get to the boat that took us to school. Be thankful for what you have because I would have killed to have it this good when I was your age.

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