when it starts to rain

the world goes silent

the sky darkens

the sidewalk empty

the sun is hidden

and happiness has gone with it

the air is heavy

and life slows down

but i have a secret

i like the rain

when the sun is shining

the universe is alive

the air is warm

smiles are abundant

and each place is a way to reveal yourself

the sun ignites you

it does not give you a place to hide

sunshine is for beautiful people

to enhance the wonder that is already here

but when I stand in the golden light

all my scars are in plain view

lit up for anyone to look at

joy makes beauty more beautiful

but the absence of pain is always looming

when life is sunny

i miss the rain

laughing only makes me wonder how long it will be until i cry again

looking in the mirror without stopping to criticize is a warning sign

because it means that loving myself might be on the horizon

and that is something i can never accept

because the scariest thing

is knowing that i could exist exactly the way i am and be fine with that

i want to punch the versions of me that don’t despise what a mess i’ve become

i can’t risk losing sight of what makes me undesirable

i like being surrounded by the storms in my mind

because they keep me sane

stormy skies and rain drops 

keep the important things at the surface

because what if i forget

what if i start eating ice cream cones without

worrying about the size of my t-shirts

what if i stop caring about the numbers

what if i’m smiling all the time

and i forget to remember what my body looks like

i can’t lose sight of how much hatred i have for

myself

that we have an irreparable relationship

but when it stops raining

sometimes i forget to remember 

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