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Grimes’s Ex-Boyfriend Just Bought Twitter

Disclaimer: This article is satirical, and for entertainment purposes only.

Highest bidder for the title of “Tesla Founder,” Elon Musk, recently revealed that he’s in the process of trying to purchase Twitter. Though a massive win for the “most annoying person in a given history class” community, this announcement has caused a significant uproar, with some triggered libs expressing concern over the increasing power of billionaires in our political and social processes. Regardless, Twitter has stated that it expects the deal to go through some time in 2022. “Unless something happens,” the Twitter board of directors added on, ominously, in haunting unison, “you never know.”

In a weed joke that reverberated across the nation, Musk bought the platform at $54.20 per share. Following Elon Musk’s announcement of his intent to purchase the platform, the company’s stocks jumped 5%, something sure to make stock bros giggle at their phones, blushing and waving their feet in the air at Musk’s tweets just before opening the Robin Hood app and pressing invest with all the butterflies of a teenage girl asking out her crush in those brief, shining moments before Twitter goes private.

Following the acquisition, Twitter founder Jack Dorsey has reportedly entered into witness protection as Musk prepares to take over operations. Dorsey has declined the Post’s request for comment, although eyewitnesses report spotting a wide-eyed, panicked man matching his description sprinting through San Francisco with an armed, self-driving Tesla Model S close in pursuit. When asked to opine on the alleged incident by a female reporter, Musk stated, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t know who that is. Jack Dorsey isn’t a real person that ever existed, and honestly, you’re acting really crazy right now.”

Musk has since reminisced about his days as an NYU student, detailing the grit and determination it took for him to independently invent Twitter and take it off the ground back in 2006. “It was difficult, founding Twitter,” he stated in an interview with Business Insider, “but when something is important enough, you do it even if the odds are not in your favor.” He went on to threaten to perma-ban “The Social Network” director David Fincher from the platform unless he “makes one about him too.”

Reportedly, Musk previously toyed with the idea of commissioning a repainting of John Trumbell’s iconic painting of the signing of the Declaration of Independence to depict himself at the center. Ultimately, he felt that the global reeducation program required to convince the people of his role as one of our founding fathers was too costly, and instead decided to focus his funds on SpaceX ventures and slipping Joe Rogan $500 to have him on his show (currently unreported to the FTC). 

But hey, I’m not condemning this acquisition! It might be nice to have someone a little more down to earth and with-it at the head of one of the largest social media platforms, and who better than the hippest, most redpilled oligarch entrepreneur around? The fresh new TechnoKing of Tesla even likes to unwind at the end of a long day with some gaming, just like the rest of us. When asked what his favorite video game title is, he answered, “only Halo.” He even boasts a pretty solid kill/death ratio of 1.2, but that’s still scrub numbers compared to the 100 racial slurs/day allegedly hit by Tesla management according to a recent discrimination lawsuit. Musk politely requested that a California judge halt the lawsuit (probably so he can work on upping that k/d ratio).

If we really want to get to know our new Twitter commander in chief, then we should note that Elon isn’t the only Musk gracing the public’s noses. In fact, there’s a whole pungent family tree. Elon was born in 1971 in Pretoria, a segregated suburb in South Africa, to model Maya Musk and entrepreneur and investor Errol Musk. But don’t worry—despite being a wealthy white landowner during apartheid in South Africa, Errol has assured The New York Times that he and his family actually had positive relationships with Black people—namely their all Black domestic staff. 

In an image so cartoonish it’s genuinely beyond satirization, Errol Musk (a name that invokes the smell of decades-old mildewed taxidermy, perhaps a bearskin rug resting on the floor of a creepy lair) said in an interview with Business Insider, “We were very wealthy. We had so much money at times we couldn’t even close our safe. And then there’d still be all these notes sticking out and we’d sort of pull them out and put them in our pockets.” Errol, whom anyone has yet to find definitive evidence of being a real person, rather than a reverse Flat Stanley-ed subject of an unsubtle Gilded Age political cartoon, has denied claims that he benefited from his ownership of an apartheid-era Zambian emerald mine. He claims that his ownership of the South African gem extraction operation was “not even really that profitable,” and “at the end of the day, just done for the love of the work.”

 Elon, on the other hand, denies his father’s ownership of the mine at all, which is surely a point of contention at the estranged pair’s annual father-son investment conference, second only to the fact that Ol’ Errol recently confessed to fathering a baby with his own thirty year old stepdaughter. Yeesh.

Supporters of Musk (the Elon one) have come to his defense over accusations of benefiting from the ventures of Musk (the Errol one), stating that Elon actually has no blood relation to Errol Musk, instead being a Power-Puff-Girls-style product of the emulsification of gamer sweat, flat diet coke, and Chemical X, which granted him the power to be the founder of anything on earth. 

As things move forward, eyes are on Musk’s next play. Will he be our true beacon of free speech and democracy? Will Jack Dorsey outrun that car? Did anyone ever figure out how his kid’s name was meant to be pronounced? No one can say; perhaps not even Musk himself. Though the future is uncertain, at the very least we can now rest easy knowing that this time when the CEO of Twitter starts posting something racist, it’s probably not a security breach.

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