FHS Frontline Investigates Dinosaur

Photo from a previously unreleased Portland Police Bereua record showing a dinosaur riding a jet ski on April 26. Financial barriers and small arms are some of many difficulties prehistoric beasts face.
Photo by Cabel Sasser

After the breakthrough reporting done by FHS Frontline in The Franklin Post’s March issue, it became clear that a new investigation was not only welcomed, but craved by avid readers. One month later, a new mystery emerged, requiring the very best investigative journalism to uncover the truth. On April 26, multiple videos surfaced on Twitter when a Tyrannosaurus Rex was spotted riding a jet ski on the Willamette River, leaving many wondering how a dinosaur survived over 65 million years, and how it learned to master the art of jet skiing. In analyzing countless hours of film and spending as many in the field, Frontline has uncovered a common thread. Each component of the image introduces a new layer into an underground, government funded project to create a real-life Jurassic Park.

I. The Dinosaur

It has long been assumed that dinosaurs went extinct after an asteroid struck the Yucatán Peninsula 66 million years ago. Scientists are now scrutinizing this assumption, as the emergence of a Tyrannosaurus Rex seems nearly impossible to most. One man, however, saw it coming. “Oh yeah, I definitely think a dinosaur could survive that long,” says JR Surban (12), a 220+ bowler with a working knowledge of high school-level biology. “If you have enough food and a dark cave, anything is possible.”

“If you have enough food and a dark cave, anything is possible.” -JR Surban

Surban’s theory appears to have some headway to it, as there are frequent stories about Central African tribesman encountering large, lizard-like creatures deep in the jungle. And for over 1100 years, the mythical Loch Ness monster has lurked in the waters of Scotland.

It would not be as easy for a 42-foot long scaly creature. To continue to survive well past the realm of possibility, adaptations would have had to be made for the Tyrannosaurus Rex. It seems that, not only has the T-Rex made the necessary adaptations to survive, but also to thrive. Opposable thumbs give species like humans the ability to grasp objects. Very few non-mammals have this ability, and most are very small. This qualifies the possibility of illegal biotesting to genetically engineer a supreme race of dinosaurs that could pose a threat to human existence as we know it. There has already been speculation of genetic testing on primates at OHSU, and some theorists have suggested the possibility of a “monkey army” in the premature stage of development. If this is the case, OHSU’s multiple locations along the Willamette waterfront would make perfect grounds for the genetic breeding of dinosaurs with the capability to perform human actions.

“You’d be a fool not to [purchase necessary extras].” – Steven

II: The jet ski

Jet skis are not cheap. Prices for a higher-end 4 Stroke watercraft range from $13,000-17,000 new, and that doesn’t include extra expenses. As Steven of Steveninsales, a popular jet ski themed blog, says, “You’d be a fool not to [purchase necessary extras].” With insurance, maintenance costs, and repairs, a jet ski is a luxury that only the wealthiest Americans can afford. This begs the question: How could a dinosaur, who presumably has no source of income, get its claws around the grips of a Seadoo Spark TRIXX?

 “There’s been a steady decline in the boating and watersports market, and introducing dinosaurs would be a total game changer.” – Ghronda Ray

Government spending is planned out each year in enough detail to get by, but many smaller expenses are left largely unknown and unwritten. According to Business Insider, in 2017, a $30,000 production of Hamlet with a cast consisting mainly of dogs was funded by the federal government. That same year, a $74,000 grant was given to a university to scan 15 well-known puppets into a virtual reality software. It is not out of the ordinary for government funding to be given to renting or buying jet skis for dinosaurs, especially if it means a new workforce of test subjects turned boating safety instructors. With an expertise in jet skis, the T-Rex captured on the video could provide much needed stabilization in the all-important watercraft sector of the U.S. economy. “It wouldn’t surprise me,” says Ghronda Ray, one of Franklin’s economics teachers. “There’s been a steady decline in the boating and watersports market, and introducing dinosaurs would be a total game changer.”

III: The Water

The risk taken by even setting foot in water is enormous for the Tyrannosaurus. With arms less than half the size relative to humans, it is impossible for many dinosaurs to swim. Because no dinosaurs had been captured on video before, it is likely that government-funded T-Rex training was conducted in secret. This being the first sighting of a Tyrannosaurus Rex on a jet ski may signify the beginning of an uprising against captivity. The introduction of prehistoric creatures into our world should not be taken as cause for panic. We should cherish the opportunity to live, coexist, and, most importantly, jetski.

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