Disclaimer: This horoscope was written by someone who has no astrological accreditation whatsoever. Abby Emrich should not be trusted to give out any advice at any point ever, and this piece should not be taken seriously in any capacity.


(January 20-February 18)

This month, you will meet a seemingly kind man and he will ask you to dance with him in the street. Do not trust him; he’s trying to trick you into jumping in front of a car.


(February 19-March 20)

Take a swim in piranha-infested waters for a new experience of losing an arm or dying.


(March 21-April 19)

This month you will get the urge to watch the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy in one night. Give in to the desire and sit down for ten and a half hours to enjoy the films. Bring some chips and salsa.


(April 20-May 20)

According to my analysis, this year will be especially difficult for you when it comes to walking up and down stairs. Maybe it will be knee pain, maybe you’re self-conscious of how your butt looks, or maybe you’re scared they will collapse. Push through this difficult time.


(May 21-June 20)

Sing your feelings out loud and proud in the upcoming weeks, just make sure you’re on-key or nobody will want to hear.


(June 21-July 22)

For insight into how to deal with difficult decisions, turn to the 2005 Disney film Chicken Little. With life lessons aplenty and an amazing soundtrack, this film is a must-have for your mental state in these upcoming weeks. 

(July 23-August 22)

Is there a project that you’ve been wanting to finish for a while? This month will be the perfect time to wrap up any loose ends. Even though you might tell yourself that every month, on a continuous cycle, this has to be the month to finish….right?


(August 23-September 22)

Start planning your spring break trip soon. Buy tickets to Indianapolis, Indiana for a wonderful getaway. Maybe visit The Children’s Museum of Indianapolis by yourself.


(September 23-October 22)

Start your efforts to intertwine yourself with a group or project. If you’re feeling especially brave, maybe join a pyramid scheme, they always work out.


(October 23-November 21)

If someone tells you you’re boring this month, remember: you’re not boring, you just sometimes maybe talk too much and sometimes the things you say are not super interesting and people sometimes get tired of listening to you talk. That’s all it is!


(November 22-December 21)

Academy-award winning actor Nicholas Cage once said, “I think I jump around more when I’m alone.” Take a piece of advice from Cage and jump around more, no matter your circumstances.


(December 22-January 19)

If you find yourself studying the every move of the people around you, you should probably re-evaluate how you spend your time.