Disclaimer: This horoscope was written by someone who has no astrological accreditation whatsoever. Abby Emrich should not be trusted to give out any advice at any point ever, and this piece should not be taken seriously in any capacity.
(January 20-February 18)
If you’re not careful, Aquarius, you’ll get the song “Take on Me” by A-ha stuck in your head for the following month. To counteract this curse, drink a large mug of herbal tea every night before bed.
(February 19-March 20)
Pisces, this month you will be able to undertake an enormous feat of physical strength, beyond that of which any human has ever seen in the history of the modern world. This amazing moment of strength will only be accessible for a single minute, so maybe do something useful with it like help your mom move the fridge to clean up underneath it because we all know it’s disgusting under there.
(March 21-April 19)
You will spend many hours this month traveling into unknown territory, specifically the territory of your own psyche. As soon as you feel the need to explore the inner workings of your own consciousness, consider instead watching a bunch of episodes of 30 Rock and consider if it’s possible for Liz Lemon to truly “have it all.”
(April 20-May 20)
Artist Kanye West claims, “I actually don’t like thinking. I think people think I like to think a lot. And I don’t. I do not like to think at all.” This month, live by this philosophy. It will come in handy when you need to say something to confuse someone out of having to actually talk to them.
(May 21-June 20)
Gemini, before isolating yourself from the rest of the world, think about everything you’ll be missing out on this month. Talking to friends, getting work done that you’ve been putting off, getting up and interacting with tons of people, making a concerted effort to make eye contact with those you’re speaking to…actually no go ahead and isolate yourself; it’s a lot easier.
(June 21-July 22)
Put yourself out there this month! Hug every stranger you meet or even look at. Don’t worry, nothing bad can possibly happen, Cancer; put all your trust into these new best friends.
(July 23-August 22)
One piece of advice to follow this month for all you Gen-Z Leos out there: if you’re feeling down or doubting yourself, remember that the older generations will never be able to comprehend how to treat retail workers with basic human decency, or how to restart a modem. Hold on to that skill, as it will serve you well in the future.
(August 23-September 22)
You will scratch yourself at the absolute wrong time this month, Virgo. Probably during an important meeting or something, maybe while walking to school. Your day will be ruined and your disappointment will be immeasurable.
(September 23-October 22)
There will be a long, unidentified hair in your food. Make sure to meticulously check everything you eat this month for this elusive food hair.
(October 23-November 21)
George W. Bush cogently once said, “I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.” This month Scorpio, apply this concept to your daily life and things are likely to run smoothly. Try peacefully coexisting with a kindhearted, sociable fish.
(November 22-December 21)
Adopt an animal this month, Sagittarius. The animals you’re most compatible with are the snub-nosed monkey and the pig-nosed rat with vampire teeth. Both make amazing pets, and are scientifically proven to be perfect therapy animals. Locating where to adopt these creatures may prove difficult, but don’t give up.
(December 22-January 19)
The squirrels outside your window are plotting against you as you read this. Arm yourself for battle this month, Capricorn. Gather your friends and family and prepare to fight. Also you’ll meet a kind stranger on your way home. DO NOT TRUST THEM. They are 15 squirrels in a trench coat.