Dear People With Broken Taste Buds,

The crackers aisle at a grocery store, featuring the Cheez-It and Cheese Nip section. The variety of Cheez-Its are strong, while there appear to be close to no variety of Cheese Nips.
Photo Credit: Abby Chapman

Why do you go to the store and buy Cheese Nips when Cheez-Its are a few steps away? Why settle for such a bland and boring snack when Cheez-Its have five different types of crackers and thirty-one unique flavors?

The original Cheez-It flavor packs a cheesy punch in each cracker, and the flavor stays recognizable with each piece. It is a name brand and a household staple for any growing child’s school lunches or after school snacks. Cheez-Its build childhoods, and this is clear through a small poll of 23 Oregon teenagers— 83% of whom said that Cheez-Its were the better cracker.

If it wasn’t already obvious enough, the price gives the truth away. Everyone loves saving money with a good deal, but when it comes to true quality goods, spending a little extra is preferable. Some things aren’t meant to be cheap. Cheese Nips come at a lower cost simply because they are not good. They should not be bought in the same way that cheap sushi should not be bought.

It can be said that for a lot of people Cheese Nips bring nostalgia. “They remind me more of my childhood,” said Lincoln student and defender of Cheese Nips, Lindsay Kurtz. Often parents opt for an off-brand food choice because it’s cheaper, which results in people forming emotional attachments with what they’re accustomed to. But, this is not an empirically based preference. Sure, people can like what they like— but emotions cannot deny hard facts. Cheez-Its are simply the better alternative.

The only possible defense is that they will fill you up. “They actually fill you up, unlike Cheez-Its where I can eat a whole box and more,” defended Simon Rowe, Cheese Nip lover. Snacks are not meant to satisfy, and Cheez-Its will never satisfy. It isn’t possible to have too much of something so good.

Now, there are other cheese cracker alternatives. Better Cheddars are reasonable, and differ enough from Cheez-Its that they aren’t just a copy. Goldfish are plenty cheesy as well, but have barely anything in common with the taste of Cheez-Its.

Honestly, I feel bad for you all. You have deprived yourselves of pure joy in a cracker— by lying and saying Cheese Nips are better. Not only are they not better, but frankly they are disappointing. In my young years when I was faced with the sorrow of my own mother buying Cheese Nips or the pain of seeing them at a friend’s house— it was too much. I wish you were able to see what I see.

Sincerely,

Someone Who Knows the Truth

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