The Sundance Film Festival, your next stop in filmmaking. Image via


Who let this happen? Who let me make a movie? I’m pretty sure this isn’t my fault, but I still have to make the movie. The voices in my head are telling me this isn’t a good idea, but I am suppressing them. 

As soon as the homemade clapper board breaks under the weight of my meaty fingers, all bets are off. The actors have to do actual acting, the cinematographers have to do actual recording, my mom ACTUALLY has to let me use the car to move shooting locations. But I’ll be DAMNED if I don’t use this movie as an excuse to write a very low-effort journalism story. So sit back, relax, and let me tell you about what I’ve learned through my time as a filmmaker. 

Chapter 1

Tactics In Deception 

The modern film industry is a heartless beast. It’s kill or be killed, a dog eat dog world… You have to adopt an apathetic attitude towards the world. In my experience, if someone approaches you about helping produce your movie, you INSTANTLY deny their help. This makes you appear much more desirable. 

The big long-term goal of any filmmaker is to get Tom Hanks to storm off the set, and brush it off like it’s just another day at the office.  You want to be big enough to be able to call Mr. Pitt and tell him you’re going with someone new, someone who “brings the intensity needed for the role.” 

Chapter 2

Kinship With The Gentry 

Having deep rooted, blood-soaked connections to very corrupt and very rich people is the rocket fuel that will propel you from D to A class. Being invited to sit at the big boy table isn’t something that happens overnight, so how do you get connected with the overweight, balding white men of the ivory tower? It’s all about offshore accounts. Offshore accounts are the clubhouse of success. When you hear the words, they trip a little wire in your brain that makes you think, “oh wow, this dude’s pocket change is worth more than my mortgage.”

To leverage these words, make sure you’re repeating the phrase “I think my offshore accounts are liquidated” anytime you’re about to make a purchase. Sooner or later, a CEO or a wall street broker will catch wind of your talk of offshore accounts; your inbox will be full of invites to business dinners in no time. 

Chapter 3


Creating appealing, meaningful art is very difficult. It requires you to fully dedicate yourself to your craft, and only through thousands of hours of practice you can find success. Filmmaking is particularly difficult because of the immense amount of work needed to complete a single project. A cast and crew can spend months, if not years making a movie only for the end product to be an uninteresting mess, but it is still THEIR project. My only real advice to you is probably useless, but I need to hit my word quota or Ms. Kirsch will fire me… when your creative pursuits fail, move on to the next project. That’s how I plan to live out the next few years of life, and I really hope it works.