Content Warning: This article discusses topics that may be triggering to some, including suicide, mental illness, and drugs.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 12.3 million adults have seriously thought about suicide, and in 2021 over 48,000 people died by suicide. The CDC also reports that suicide is one of the leading causes of death in the United States for adolescents. To prevent suicide rates from increasing, a big impact can come from access to mental health professionals, healthcare, and reducing the stigma around mental health and suicide. If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide or in need of help, call or text 988 — a suicide and crisis hotline that offers 24/7 service. You can also reach out to these local resources: Lines for Life Portland, American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Oregon (AFSP), or Multnomah Behavioral Health Hotline. Below are three stories of those who have been affected by suicide. In order to reduce the stigma of mental health and suicide, we as a community need to start speaking up and supporting each other through the impact both have on many lives.
Matt Malmsheimer
Matt Malmsheimer was born the older brother to Aaron Samuel Malmsheimer. Just a couple of decades later, he devastatingly lost his younger brother to suicide. Aaron and Matt had a fairly typical sibling relationship, with Matt saying, “Sometimes we got along great. Sometimes we fought like cats and dogs; I loved him dearly.” Matt determined Aaron to be one of the most loyal friends he knew. Beyond this loyalty, Matt described how his brother was extremely artistic, both being a musician and having aspirations to be an animator. “I guess from my perspective, one of the biggest, saddest things for me in all of this is that my brother was … so much more than [the action of taking his life], he was [a] really creative, loving, fun, funny, engaged person. He had so many other aspirations and dreams and all that just got reduced to this one act — taking his own life.”
Aaron struggled with substance abuse and found himself continuously returning to old patterns of using. According to Matt, at the time of the loss he had believed that his brother was doing well in recovery and getting the help he needed. After the loss of his brother, however, Matt said he regrets not noticing as many signs of him slipping back into addiction. Some of these missed signs were that Aaron had become withdrawn and evasive, finding excuses for not showing up to things and, as explained by Matt, did not appear healthy. “I got a call one morning at about three o’clock … from my dad that he had gotten a call from the San Francisco police that Aaron was gone.”
“It changed everything,” said Matt, describing the effects of this tragedy on his relationships with family and his life now. Being a father himself, in our interview, he described how he couldn’t imagine losing his own son. Because of this, Matt can’t imagine how his own parents must have been forever changed by the loss. He goes on to mention how devastating it is that his son won’t be able to meet his uncle, knowing both of them would have loved each other. And how the loss is also devastating as Aaron would have wanted to have kids of his own.
“If you can get to a point where you can forgive the person who took their own life, I think that’s probably really healthy. I haven’t. I still get really angry at him, because he messed up things for our family in a lot of ways.” Matt Malmsheimer described how he understands how Aaron Malmsheimer’s act of taking his life was coming from a very real and very harmful place of hurt and addiction, yet it continues to be an incredibly painful loss for him and his family.
Angela Perry
Angela Perry was born here in Portland. She currently volunteers with the AFSP and has been for many years. Perry has felt the effects of suicide in her life far too many times, having lost both her great uncle and a close family friend to suicide. Following those experiences, Perry said she “saw [suicide] as an option” which affected the way her suicidal ideations became present and stronger.
Due to Perry suffering both from polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and infertility, it caused her ideations to get stronger. When she was a sophomore in college, she was admitted into a hospital to get treatment for those ideations. Then, three years after Perry got married, she intended to take her life. “In 2009, I intended to meet my nephew, my younger sister’s first child, and go home and end my life. Fate had different plans for me though, and my nephew became my reason for living for many, many years.” After meeting her nephew and fighting through thoughts of suicide for a long time, Perry suffered the loss of a childhood friend to suicide and decided to go back to counseling and get help for herself.
During her time in counseling, she found out about the AFSP and started volunteering with them. Perry was doing very well until 2017 when she lost another loved one to suicide. “Then my mind was filled with the ‘why am I still here and they aren’t’ questions,” she explained. While continuously trying to find the right help for her specific symptoms including eating disorders, and chronic suicidal ideations — which eventually took three years— Perry worked with the AFSP, saying, “I figured if I couldn’t save myself I could at least help other people.”
“A funny thing happened though … when you tell people ‘you matter’ enough times it starts to sink in and I internalized it,” said Perry about her recovery. She explained how while hospitals can be used as a treatment, she doesn’t recommend them to those struggling as they aren’t long term care. Perry goes on to say that friends and family are the real “front liners” in helping people struggling. Having people to talk to has had major importance on Perry’s life. It takes a lot of hard work to get help and internalize it, but nevertheless, according to Perry, it will get better from there.
Yael Saar
Yael Saar was affected by suicide early in her life. She was only six years old when she heartbreakingly lost her birth mother who took her own life after suffering from postpartum depression — depression that occurs after childbirth. Saar also experienced this depression, and nearly took her own life after the birth of her first child who was both born prematurely as well as was barely sleeping. “When I was 33, I almost followed my birth mother’s footsteps. I swallowed a whole lot of pills and woke up in the hospital.” Following her suicide attempt, Saar found help and eventually began feeling healthier and better, ready to have her second child.
After Saar’s second pregnancy though, the postpartum depression returned. “[H]ere I was, 38 years old and suicidal. Again,” she said. In both depressive episodes, Saar recalled losing her ability to sleep and staying up all night while miserable. One day, before her baby’s first birthday, Saar’s husband drove her to a psychiatrist’s office to receive help. After sleeping for long enough for the first time in a very long time, Saar started getting treatment and recovering. “I wish I could tell you that I never wanted to die ever again. It took weeks before the suicidal thoughts were completely gone. But every time I felt the call of the green belt, I remade this promise: I won’t kill myself TODAY.”
Saar described the reasons for postpartum depression being different, stating, “Depression is depression. It sucks, you feel awful. But when you are having it postpartum and you need to care for a baby, then you feel like you are not caring for them effectively. That adds guilt and depression is very much made of guilt.” Later, when speaking on what advice she has for those currently suffering with postpartum, she mentioned sleep as a huge aspect. “Get sleep. And if you find that you can’t sleep when you’re being allowed to sleep, get medication to support sleep. It’s the most important thing. Sleep deprivation is the deadliest of all the factors that you can control.”
Currently Saar works to help other people struggling with suicidal ideation and mental health issues. She has developed a method called sensory nourishment coaching in order to aid others to heal. She believes that the importance of normalizing mental health and mental health issues is major, going on to say there would be fewer suicide attempts caused by ideations if those struggling had people they could talk to, as well as if speaking about mental health was destigmatized. “I didn’t have anyone to talk to about [my suicidal ideation] with, but it could have stayed a thought instead of a deed if it was safe to talk about.” You can reach out to Saar and see how she currently helps others on Instagram @yaelsaar.
