Get Eggcited! We’ve Found the Ultimate Eggnog 

Disclaimer: The Franklin Post does not endorse tasting as much eggnog in one sitting as the authors (and other tasters) have, as they went into a fever dream of eggnog delirium.

We’ve all been there. One minute until the store closes, standing in front of the freezer aisle of the grocery store, staring into the cool depths. Goosebumps envelop your skin from the icy air. A cashier stands behind you, impatiently waiting for you to make your decision, only bringing more stress to this high-anxiety situation. The question pounds in your mind: Which eggnog should I choose? Well, the search is finally over. 

We raided the stores to find the cure for our sleepless nights, getting our hands on every brand and kind of eggnog we could find to have the ultimate taste test. 

After scouring our eggnog resources, we found the ultimate group of tasters consisting of four eggnog lovers and, for fairness, one eggnog hater. While tasting each eggnog from small glasses, the group, affectionately known as “Who Spiked the Eggnog,” was tasked with ranking the flavor and texture on a scale of one to ten.

We also want to point out that taste and texture ratings are averages of all the scores; and that our eggnog hater did not rate anything above a 5/10, dragging down many of the 10/10 scores. The following ‘nogs are ranked worst to best, in terms of their average taste and texture scores.

Darigold Classic Eggnog

Average Taste: 2.9/10

Average Texture: 4.2/10

“They tried but could not execute,” exclaimed a taste tester before dumping the rest of their cup of Darigold Classic Eggnog down the drain with just a little too much vigor. While the taste was almost universally disliked by our taste testers, the texture divided them. The consistency was repeatedly ranked low, but “Who Spiked the Eggnog” could not agree on why. Some thought it was too thick, and others thought it was too thin. Darigold is good for those who like a medium-thickness eggnog. The taste of Darigold might not be good for anyone, as most of “Who Spiked the Eggnog” seem to consider it public enemy number one, sometimes based on specific criticism and other times just on “vibes.” One participant in the taste test criticized Darigold’s Classic Eggnog for having “too much dairy.” For reference, Wikipedia describes eggnog as a “rich, chilled, sweetened, dairy-based beverage.” The extreme dairy taste was the most common comment about this one. A contributing factor to the ubiquitous nature of this observation could be the fact that Darigold was the last eggnog we tasted. By that point in time, participants were full and feeling sick to their stomachs, rolling around on the ground. The richness, or “dairyness,” of Darigold put them off. Only one taste tester disagreed, and that was the one whose doctor banned her from drinking whole milk when she was a child because she drank too much of it. As a big dairy fan (and a consistent drinker of 2% milk) she would like to argue Darigold as the unsung hero, shunned by society but breaking boundaries. 

Almond Breeze Almondmilk ‘Nog 

Average Taste: 3.9/10

Average Texture: 3.8/10

Many were thrown by the color, and classified this dairy-free alternative as “almond AF’” or “not as eggy” (probably due to the fact that it contains no eggs). With a very thin and almost watery texture, someone said it tasted like cereal and was obviously the dairy-free version. However, it was thought to be very good for almond eggnog, and would probably be delicious for somebody who avoids dairy and wouldn’t be able to remember the high standard of the pure beverage. 

Kroger Rich and Creamy Original Eggnog

Average Taste: 3.2/10

Average Texture: 7.1/10

The first sip elicited the response, “it smells like Swedish fish…wait, no it doesn’t,” and the scent was also compared to “the smell of rubbing alcohol.” Kroger has not lost all hope and received praise for its texture, ranking first in the category. For taste, it was ranked second to last. One said it “tastes like stale graham crackers…also taffy.” Everyone thought it was much too sweet and left a bad aftertaste. One common ingredient we found in all painfully sweet sips was corn syrup instead of sugar which we could taste before reading the ingredients list. This eggnog shows that it’s time for one eggnog manufacturer to change careers. It was literally such an awful taste that it was hard to hold down. Although it was ranked third worst due to all averages, the authors would have ranked it a hard last, and we questioned if it should even be classified as eggnog. 

Trader Joe’s Light Eggnog

Average Taste: 4.5/10

Average Texture: 6.8/10

This was our breaking point. Sanity slipped. The eggnog fever consumed us. In a scene right out of “H20 Just Add Water,” we became mermaids swimming in a sea of surprisingly good alternative eggnog. “Cleaur don’t touch the eggnaur,” was heard off in the distance as the lightness of Trader Joe’s aptly named “Light Eggnog” brought us out of the water and back into reality. Typically “Who Spiked the Eggnog” did not enjoy the thinner ‘nogs, but everyone agreed the thinness of this one felt more intentional and was less watery. It was a refreshing break from the richness of the other eggnogs, with the complexity of its flavor balancing out the (lack of) density. The flavor is difficult to explain, and the most accurate description we can come up with is “going to REI with your dad in 2017 and getting a vague taste of tires when you walk in.”

Private Selection Old Fashioned Eggnog

Average Taste: 5.6/10

Average Texture: 6.5/10

Initially, this was a strong contender. “Old fashioned” hinted at what we hoped to be a classic eggnog flavor; the stars on the packaging were perfect for the cozy winter vibes, and the cinnamon imaging on the front of the bottle could have foreshadowed a well-spiced ‘nog. Instead, there was cinnaNONE. What we had mistaken for spice was actually the intoxicating sweetness of corn syrup. The second round of tasting lowered almost everyone’s scores, and the only positive for the flavor we could come up with was that it was tolerable if you drank it slowly. An outlier set the average taste score much higher than the authors thought was deserved. The texture score seems fairly accurate as the general consensus was that it was a bit thin, but overall not terrible. 

Trader Joe’s Eggnog

Average Taste: 6.346/10

Average Texture: 6.5/10

Though we were struggling with our sanity, it did not reflect the quality of this eggnog, as it hit all of the bases and had a delightful, “classic” scent. The adorable “snow cow” on the box was also a fan favorite. This was the eggnog one of the authors grew up with and she deeply enjoyed it, often referring back to this ‘nog for its perfect texture and enjoyable taste. For the other tasters, the eggnog was  described by its “yellow eggy banana gum or banana taffy” taste. Overall, we would recommend this brand for young children who don’t enjoy the spices that eggnog typically has.

New Seasons Eggnog

Average Taste: 6.8/10

Average Texture: 6.8/10

While singing an excellent rendition of “Winter Wonderland” one of the taste testers remarked “I don’t know if I like this.” However, they turned out to be referring to the Backstreet Boys’ Christmas album and not this delicious eggnog. This eggnog was one of our favorites, with a deep, creamy texture that was “soft like cashmere,” and the spices had a very rich taste that added a lot to its depth. One said, “it tastes like liquid dough” and is sweet. It tastes very similar to the Alpenrose brand, and we continued to go back and forth between the two. Upon further research, we discovered New Seasons sources this ‘nog from Alpenrose and it has the same ingredients as Alpenrose’s Natural Eggnog. Yet with a blind taste test we were able to distinguish the two from each other. 

Alpenrose Natural Eggnog

Average Taste: 7/10

Average Texture: 6.7/10

Love at first sip, this eggnog is sugar and spice, and everything nice. Think the Powerpuff Girls in a milk carton. Alpenrose Natural Eggnog is ‘nog perfection, right down to the hidden joke on the packaging. This is what other eggnogs should strive to be. While retaining a sweetness ideal for younger (this includes young-at-heart) guests, the spice factor is perfect for waking Santa up during his midnight visit. With visible flecks of spice and a thickness similar to your favorite blanket, Alpenrose Natural Eggnog is the “It Girl” of eggnogs. 

After reading this article and heading to your local grocery store to pick up Alpenrose Natural Eggnog you’ll soon be in front of the fire, cozy and content. Sipping out of a tiny glass you’ve pilfered from the back of your cabinet, serendipitously discovered at a garage sale, or bought for an obscene price at a gift shop. You’ll be warm inside and out. The creaminess of the eggnog will settle in your stomach like a cat curling up in the sun, and the last remnants of the sweet flavor will linger on your lips in the same way a comfortable “I love you” does.