when it starts to rain
the world goes silent
the sky darkens
the sidewalk empty
the sun is hidden
and happiness has gone with it
the air is heavy
and life slows down
but i have a secret
i like the rain
when the sun is shining
the universe is alive
the air is warm
smiles are abundant
and each place is a way to reveal yourself
the sun ignites you
it does not give you a place to hide
sunshine is for beautiful people
to enhance the wonder that is already here
but when I stand in the golden light
all my scars are in plain view
lit up for anyone to look at
joy makes beauty more beautiful
but the absence of pain is always looming
when life is sunny
i miss the rain
laughing only makes me wonder how long it will be until i cry again
looking in the mirror without stopping to criticize is a warning sign
because it means that loving myself might be on the horizon
and that is something i can never accept
because the scariest thing
is knowing that i could exist exactly the way i am and be fine with that
i want to punch the versions of me that don’t despise what a mess i’ve become
i can’t risk losing sight of what makes me undesirable
i like being surrounded by the storms in my mind
because they keep me sane
stormy skies and rain drops
keep the important things at the surface
because what if i forget
what if i start eating ice cream cones without
worrying about the size of my t-shirts
what if i stop caring about the numbers
what if i’m smiling all the time
and i forget to remember what my body looks like
i can’t lose sight of how much hatred i have for
myself
that we have an irreparable relationship
but when it stops raining
sometimes i forget to remember