It’s a universally acknowledged truth that good things come in twos: double scoops of ice cream, Lindsay Lohan’s performance in “The Parent Trap,” and Tom and Jerry all being prime examples. Yet somehow, two letters form the most hated word in the English language: N-O. Does it strike fear in your heart just from reading it?
As social media, advertisements, and movies bombard us with false perfection, we’re taught that rejection is the ultimate failure. It’s the bogeyman that we never grow out of fearing, and unless you’re the star of a rom-com, you’re stuck facing it in everyday situations, ranging from job interviews to asking someone out, to even simply inquiring if oat milk is free with your overpriced and over-sugared latte. But in a vicious and self-perpetuating cycle, we hide our rejections, sharing only our successes. It seems that in our increasingly divided world, the one thing we can agree on is that rejection is for losers, outcasts — and now influencers?
Recently, rejection therapy has taken social media by storm. Rejection therapy refers to the idea of asking people questions you expect to result in a “no” as a way to reduce your fear of rejection. A quick scroll through #rejectiontherapy on Instagram and TikTok shows people asking questions like: “Can I go behind the counter and make my own coffee?” Most of the time, the answer is a resounding no, but occasionally, you’ll see a video of someone putting on an apron and frothing their own milk.
Holden Goldberg went viral for his own take on rejection therapy in which he posted a video where he asked to throw yarn at someone in a store, and they said yes. Despite contending that this original video was staged, Goldberg says he continues to practice and post different forms of rejection therapy. From requesting upgrades on airplane tickets and hotel reservations to asking to untie a stranger’s shoes, Goldberg has spent the last year chasing the exhilarating sound of “no.”
From his experience working as an actor and musician, Goldberg describes how “there’s a lot of rejection in the arts world where you really have to put yourself out there, and you get really used to getting rejected a lot.” Through asking silly questions that almost beg people to say no, Goldberg practices this rejection and reminds himself that “it’s not that deep … [and] the worst you can truly get is a no.”
Becoming more comfortable chasing his dreams has allowed Goldberg to create unique opportunities for himself. While participating in a music competition, Goldberg emailed local news stations to see if they would cover the competition. These emails, sent with the expectation of no success, led to a local South Florida news station interviewing him about the event.
Goldberg describes how he had the confidence to send those emails because of the expectation of rejection — an expectation that he’s learned to embrace. “I just asked, and I would have never gotten the opportunity if I didn’t ask,” Goldberg explains. “And I think I was okay with them saying no … Like [with] rejection therapy, I assumed they were gonna say no, so I wouldn’t even [be] disappointed.”
While people worldwide and across many social media platforms have begun to practice getting rejected, these methods are not unique or entirely new. Exposure and Response Prevention therapy (ERP) is an evidence-based treatment for various forms of anxiety that pushes individuals to try out uncomfortable things to increase their ability to exist in anxiety-inducing situations.
Dr. Robyn Dolson, a clinician at NW Anxiety Institute, describes how she and her colleagues utilize ERP to help their clients. Dolson will encourage her clients to do small things that cause anxiety — from ordering food at a restaurant to raising a hand in class — and not do anything to distract themselves from their anxious feelings. Dolson describes, “We’re asking people to make opportunities to face their triggers and feel uncomfortable and then not do any of the things that they would usually do to feel better.”
The reasoning behind such treatments, similar to the trend of rejection therapy, is that facing anxiety and other fears head-on will increase someone’s comfort in dealing with situations involving those stressors. “If you’re doing all the things to reduce that feeling [of anxiety], you’re never going to get the learning from doing that hard scary thing,” Dolson explains. “By blocking the things that make you feel better in the short term, what we end up teaching our brain is that actually, we can handle that feeling, and those triggers are not as scary as we think. Rejection is not as scary as we think it is.”
Despite the connection between ERP and the “rejection therapy” that has gone viral, Dolson clarifies, “It’s important to remember that [rejection therapy] unto itself is not a therapy [because it] is not evidence-based.” As such, she adds that it is crucial to recognize that “if this feels scary and feels like you’re just welcoming rejection, you are, and it is okay to start out with smaller steps.”
Both interviewees advised us to start with small requests from strangers, as being told “no” by someone you will never see again can hold a lot less pressure than being told that by a friend or loved one. Goldberg emphasized that, even when speaking with strangers, it is essential to “be prepared to be kind of uncomfortable.”
We took this uncomfortability in stride as we made our way to a local Target and asked shoppers and employees questions that we hoped they would say no to. Beyond increased confidence, each question offered its own lessons on the effects of daring to ask.
Life lesson 1: Not today, but maybe tomorrow
On perhaps the rainiest day of the past three months, we strolled into Target bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to ask people if we could throw a stuffed pink hedgehog — named Mr. Sparkles — at them. 10 minutes later, hedgehog still in hand, we began to realize that we had not, in fact, started small.
While we pretended to peruse Target’s sequined dresses and Christmas-scented candles, we staked out who to ask. Finally, we settled on a sweet older lady in the organizational aisle, who, to our surprise, said yes to us throwing the hedgehog at her. Unfortunately, as Mr. Sparkles flew through the air all we felt was a sinking sense of guilt. We had adapted the question to make it less aggressive, asking, “Can I toss this stuffed toy to you?” rather than “Can I throw this stuffed toy at you?” Clearly, this was an example of the counterproductive self-soothing methods Dolson referred to that aim to reduce the likelihood of rejection. So, we committed to avoiding attempting to get a yes for the following interactions.
This attempt may have worked too well. We were faced with no after no. Yet, with all this rejection, we found a strange beauty in the different ways people said no. The tote-bag-wearing teen hit us with a polite “No thank you.” Then, in the dark depths of the tool aisle, we felt like tools ourselves when the man we asked responded with an exhausted, “No. Not today.”
The variety in responses reminded us that there are a variety of reasons for rejection. Perhaps the tote bag wearer was concerned they would be filmed, or perhaps they had a phobia of hedgehogs. Maybe the tool-aisle man just didn’t want to, or maybe he was tired today and would’ve been more receptive tomorrow.
Realistically, we’ll never know, and that’s something we need to make peace with. When we accept that we can’t know why we are rejected, we are better able to move on from rejection. The tool-aisle guy said, “Not today,” but maybe we can find success tomorrow.
Life lesson 2: Rejection or redirection?
Next, we sought out a Target employee to ask if we could say, “Happy holidays!” over the intercom. The aisles blurred as we walked lap after lap around the store, carefully deciding which employee seemed least intimidating and least busy. Tucked among the beauty and skincare aisles, we found a seemingly unoccupied employee and addressed him with our question.
Being prepared for rejection did not stop our anxious tendencies. However, after asking in a fast-paced voice if we could spread holiday cheer via the intercom and gracefully knocking over a hanger with nervous hand movements, we didn’t get a “no” but also not a “yes.”
Instead, we were sent to the customer service part of the store, where we repeated our request to a new group of employees. Hushed whispers spread amongst them as they heard our request, and again, instead of rejection, we found redirection as one of the employees uncovered the intercom mic and announced, “Happy holidays!” to the store. Even though our request did not play out as we had hoped, we were not disappointed by the result. Through the cheerful words of the Target employee, our holiday festivity was still spread to the many frantic shoppers.
Redirection can sometimes feel like another form of rejection when we are inclined to plan out our hopes for the exact outcome of each situation. Perhaps rejection therapy isn’t only vital for being okay with hearing “no” but also for growing comfortable pushing forward when you’re forced in new directions.
Life lesson 3: Rejection is not always where you most expect it
The common phrase, “Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!” has been used to settle debates, pick who presents first in class, and — now — bond with fellow Target shoppers. We sought to find people willing to play a round of the game, expecting rejection similar to the stunned stares we got after asking strangers if we could throw Mr. Sparkles at them.
Despite some initial confusion and hesitation in response to strangers asking them to play such a tried and true game, surprisingly, both people we asked agreed to play. Along with this agreement seemed to come a sense of familiarity with the game itself, specifically with the rules. Both individuals entered the games ready to win and asked if we were playing on “shoot” — one even clarified that the round would be “best two out of three.”
Although we may have felt awkward asking a stranger to play a round of rock-paper-scissors, the game acted as common ground for people who didn’t even know each other’s names. We knew nothing about each other’s lives, but we knew rock-paper-scissors.
Being fearful of finding rejection as a response to a question you feel is “too much” to ask is normal. In many situations, this fear even causes people to avoid asking it altogether. However, these playful rounds of rock-paper-scissors showed that requests that may feel like too much to ask do not always seem like that to the other person.
The fear of getting told “no” does not automatically mean rejection will occur. Even when requests seem out of the ordinary in the backdrop of Target aisles and shopping carts, rejection is not always found where you expect it to be.
Life lesson 4: What’s the worst best that can happen?
Our final challenge was more of a chore than the light bouts of rock-paper-scissors. Not to get too meta on you, but we needed a photo for this article, and asking to take a picture with a stranger seemed like a pretty perfect way to get rejected. As usual, we were completely and utterly wrong. The first person we asked was on board, even when we explained we’d be publishing it online.
After a few minutes of awkwardly fiddling with the camera like a mom using Instagram for the first time, we got our shot. As the flash bloomed, so did our confidence. Each time we asked someone a question, it got a little bit easier. Sure, we were often met with rejection, but when we were, nothing bad happened; no red-shirted Target employees swarmed to throw us out of the store, and none of the people we asked did anything but politely deny or accept our requests.
With this last request, the benefits of rejection therapy were further confirmed by us getting something in return — a photo so our grades didn’t drop. It’s common sense that when the outcome of a yes outweighs the potential embarrassment of a no it makes it easier to ask the question, yet why isn’t this logic applied to every situation? Pretty much every outcome of a yes should outweigh embarrassment, even if it’s just a silly photo. Embarrassment is a temporary, fleeting emotion, and with enough practice, rejection doesn’t even have to be embarrassing — it’s a normal part of life that everyone experiences.
As Goldberg puts it, “No one wants to be embarrassing, cringy, or ask something out of line. So I think [rejection therapy is] kind of like breaking out of that.” Plus, the outcome of a yes might be better than you were expecting. In this case, we discovered that the stranger we took the photo with was a Franklin alumnus!
Goldberg told us, “[You] just gotta just do it, and then the more you do it, the easier it gets.” So, like Nike ambassadors, we took Goldberg’s advice and just did it. You should too; maybe your hallway crush won’t call you an ugly freak, maybe that college with a 2% acceptance rate won’t reject you, and perhaps you’ll get that extra ketchup packet with your fries.
