Content Warning: This article discusses sexual violence.
Pornography is inescapable. Whether you watch it intentionally, come across it on social media, or hear about it from others, everyone has a relationship with it. In this digital age, unlimited porn access is just a click away, and with this growing industry comes a call for educated and honest conversations about the messages the content portrays.
“Porn tells stories,” says Director of Programming at Culture Reframed, Dr. Mandy Sanchez, who has been researching porn’s impacts for over 20 years. Culture Reframed is a research-based nonprofit organization that examines the influence of porn on young people and creates educational materials to combat its harms. “Not only is it violent and degrading to women, it also tells us about what it means to be a ‘real man’ — one who lacks empathy, compassion, and the capacity for intimacy. It also tells us what it means to be a ‘real woman’ — who exists to be used and abused and exploited.”
The porn industry is a for-profit business that hires professional actors to act out scripted scenes. Yet it informs consumers about themselves and others, no matter how unrealistic the scenes it depicts are. These scripts often rely on a power imbalance between the actors, through racist, sexist, or violent sexual behaviors. Even though it’s acting, this portrayal of sex has greatly influenced how young people think about what it means to be intimate, what they deem respectful behavior, how they understand their bodies, and how they perceive consent and equity.
In many ways, following the narratives set by porn has shaped the culture in which we live. Dr. Sanchez and Culture Reframed have found in their research that porn use is linked to negative self-image and self-esteem, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, a reduced capacity for intimacy and connection, and self-harm. Comparing oneself to porn drives the idea of inadequacy, and the frequency of viewing only increases these trends.
“The sexual activity depicted in porn is really not representative of what most people are doing with their sexual partners in real life,” says Katherine Jongsma, a psychologist with a specialty in neuropsychology at St. Joseph’s Healthcare Hamilton in Ontario. “Learning how to have sex from porn is like learning how to drive by watching ‘The Fast and the Furious.’”
In commercial pornography, women and girls are disproportionately objectified, dehumanized, exploited, and violated under the promise of empowerment. Dr. Sanchez explains that because of the culture of violence that commercialized porn normalizes by depicting sexual violence in its scenes, watching porn also increases the likelihood of women being sexually victimized in the future, according to a 2016 study by Middlesex University, the Children’s Commissioner for England, and the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC). This normalizes sexual violence and assault, exploiting gender inequalities and selling sexual violence as entertainment with the sole intention of profit. Kassia Wosick, a sociology professor, revealed in a 2015 NBC News article that porn was a $97 billion industry globally that year.
Men and boys are also subject to objectification and dehumanization as they are surrounded by a culture that pressures pornography viewership and exploits natural curiosity. “[Because] young boys are being victimized they [could] grow up and victimize someone else,” says Dr. Sanchez. The ideas you have about sex build a belief system around the meaning of intimacy, one that you apply to sexual partners.
I spoke with multiple Franklin students about how porn changed their views of intimacy and relationships. “I just want to quit porn before I die,” shares a Franklin student who’s been in the process of reducing his porn consumption for the past year and a half. What first began as curiosity around the age of 13 turned into a daily ritual; he was spending an hour and a half per day watching pornography. A “waste of time” is how he now describes it.
For him, watching porn was a subconscious action, and consuming it provided pleasure and comfort. Now, as he reflects on his process of disconnecting from porn, he contemplates how pornography has impacted his perceptions of the people around him, saying, “Some people see porn as a relationship but it’s not. It’s a for-profit business and it strives [to get] people addicted to it. A relationship isn’t just sex.”
Additionally, he shares worries about how porn can perpetuate rape culture or normalize sexual violence, and the repercussions of that message. Having slowly reduced time spent watching porn, “It takes a lot of sexual thoughts out of interactions. Instead of thinking every girl is flirting with you, [realizing] ‘oh, this person wants to be friends,’” he says.
Watching porn led to sexualizing girls at a young age, explains another student. He started watching porn at the age of 11 due to yearning to fit in and friends, social media, and older siblings feeding his curiosity. He says that porn was a way to combat boredom and engage in self-pleasure and experimentation. While he used to consume about an hour per week, he no longer watches it and doesn’t consider himself to have ever been addicted.
These students’ experiences are not unique. Common Sense Media, an independent source for family advice and media recommendations, reports that 73% of teenagers between ages 13-17 have watched porn online, and 45% of teen respondents said they felt pornography gives them “helpful” information about sex.
Culture Reframed reports that one in three children have seen “hardcore porn” — a type of pornography that features detailed, extreme, and violent sex — by the age of 13. Though it can be easy to see only numbers, these are youth shaping their perceptions of healthy relationships based on unrealistic sexual scripts.
A study published in the Journal of Medical Internet Research found a correlation between adolescent porn consumption and risky sexual behaviors. The rational part of the human brain isn’t fully developed until age 25, and teens aren’t always aware of long-term consequences when making decisions, states Stanford Medicine Children’s Health. This can be especially dangerous when it comes to sexual violence like choking, even if it is consensual.
“Sexual strangulation, nearly always of women in heterosexual pornography, has long been a staple on free sites, those default sources of sex [education] for teens,” writes the author Peggy Orenstein in a New York Times (NYT) Guest Essay. “As with anything else, repeat exposure can render the once appalling, appealing. It’s not uncommon for behaviors to be normalized in porn, move within a few years to mainstream media, then, in what may become a feedback loop, be adopted in the bedroom or the dorm room.”
Orenstein reports that in many instances, partners “never or only sometimes asked before grabbing their [partner’s neck].” In these moments when the person being choked couldn’t breathe or speak, they were unable to both provide or withdraw consent. Correspondingly, as reported in the NYT Guest Essay, a study by the Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University Dr. Debby Herbenick found women reported choking as one of the sex acts that scared them. Choking “made them worry whether they would survive.”
The Queensland Centre for Domestic and Family Violence Research reports that “strangulation is one of the most lethal forms of domestic violence. It is mainly perpetrated by men against women, and survivors of strangulation suffer not only immediate impacts, but potentially, delayed and/or long-term consequences.” Such consequences include death, brain injuries, strokes, respiratory problems, and mental health disorders, according to the Brain Injury Association of America.
“Strangulation leaves very few visible marks, and it can be easily overlooked as a cause of death,” explains Dr. Sanchez. “Those who have been strangled rarely seek medical attention because their injuries seem minor — such as headaches, neck pain, lightheadedness, or temporary loss of coordination or ear ringing. The effects are silent. Potential effects don’t appear for days, weeks, or even years.”
Though choking has become a fad, and is often expected to please women during sex or sexual encounters, female orgasm rates have not increased, nor has heterosexual couples’ “orgasm gap” disappeared. The International Society for Sexual Medicine reports that men’s orgasm rates range from 70-85%, while women’s orgasm rates are lower, ranging from 46-58%. In research and student interviews, Orenstein found that most college students view a male orgasm “as a given,” while viewing a female orgasm as “nice if it happens, but certainly not expected or necessarily prioritized (by either partner).” Choking has not become a tool for female pleasure, but rather a dangerous and often nonconsensual actualization of porn.
The kink and Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism (BDSM) communities both engage in sexual choking, with BDSM operating under the phrase “safe, sane, and consensual.” For them, it is key that sexual acts like choking occur after conversations with all involved partners about each other’s limits and enthusiastic consent is shared by everyone involved.
“Violent porn is not [the] problem,” explains Heather Rensmith, owner of Switch On Sex Therapy; an American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) sex therapist; and licensed clinical social worker. “People engaging in violent acts without consent and careful communication and negotiation — that is the problem.”
Consent is not a common practice shown in mainstream pornography. “You very rarely see a consensual scene,” says Dr. Sanchez. “There’s no checking in. ‘Are you okay with this? Do you want me to stop?’” In a society where teens are learning about sex through watching pornography, this lack of consent can be adopted in their lives. Enthusiastic consent should be unequivocally engaged and include periodic check-ins in which participants may withdraw or change their minds at any time. Yet consent, intimacy, and bonding are rarely found in porn. Dr. Sanchez explains that porn depicts more than a lack of consent, saying, “Women are always saying ‘yes’ in porn, and that creates the expectation that they will always say ‘yes’ and that they will like it.”
Rensmith encourages everyone to focus on the sexual health principles of honesty, prioritizing safety and the health of all involved, non-pressuring and non-exploitative encounters, and consent. Rensmith adds that when including pornography in a relationship, clear communication with your partner or partners is key. Some believe porn is cheating while others believe consuming it is their right, so being transparent and open about the relationship you have with pornography is vital.
Everyone’s relationship with pornography is individual and often impacted by gender identity. While men are typically thought of as the target audience for porn, women consume porn too. Jongsma shares that filmed sexual content is typically catered toward men’s fantasies or the male gaze, while fanfiction and erotica books or magazines are often written for a female reader. Pornographic videos designed with male fantasies in mind usually depict graphic sexual violence with little intimacy; whereas, sexually explicit content made with the female gaze in mind tends to depict extended periods of sexual tension — like enemies-to-lovers storylines — and intimate sex. These messages are often portrayed and spread through social media.
“Choke Me Daddy,” a viral meme that has engulfed social media and become a casual joke, is a perfect example of the sexual scripts young people are taught online. In a quick Google search, you can find many memes: fictional children’s show character Arthur digging in his backyard with the caption, “When she says ‘choke me daddy,’ and you get carried away and now she’s dead”; an image of SpongeBob grinning with the caption, “When the choking went a bit too far but you’re happy she opened her eyes again”; an image of men in suits laughing with the caption, “She said choking during sex without consent is assault”; or a photo of Tyra Banks, an American model and TV personality, with the words, “Choke and slap me around, but don’t kill me.”
In Dr. Herbenick’s most recent study, conducted at an anonymous large university, almost two-thirds of 5,000 female-identifying students reported that a partner had choked them during sex, and one-third reported they were choked in their most recent sexual encounter. Additionally, 40% shared the first time they were sexually choked was between the ages of 12-17. Dr. Herbenick says, “I haven’t often felt so strongly about getting research out there, but this is lifesaving.”
But porn doesn’t need to be a negative thing. “Anyone’s sexual proclivities that do not violate the rights of anyone else is a wonderful expression of ourselves as humans,” says Rensmith. “I wish all … communication and collaboration that happens before, during, and after sex [was] depicted [in porn].” Experimentation and curiosity are normal and healthy; it’s the internalization of nonconsensual sexual interactions that perpetuates damaging messages about what sex should look like.
Porn can provide acceptance and validation of desires, reminding individuals that they aren’t alone in wondering about or exploring their sexuality. “If you can find porn free from those damaging aspects, it can be so empowering for people and help people connect to their sexuality,” says Nicole Kammerlocher, a clinician at the Center for Couples & Sex Therapy and a licensed professional counselor with AASECT. Access to queer sexual education is not always readily available, and Kammerlocher expresses that many queer individuals turn to pornography to find acceptance of their identity and sexual desires. “Porn is a good thing in the abstract; however, the industry that has created porn is incredibly exploitative, misogynistic, [and] damaging,” she says.
“I don’t want to be in a world where porn doesn’t exist,” Kammerlocher explains. “Images of sexuality or sexual content is a good thing, [but] the way that it works in our society right now is so negative.” She explains how learning about sex through porn can be like using a map on a hike. When planning a hike, you have a map that tells you exactly how it will go. However, when you reach the forest, it doesn’t match the map. Surprised, you take a shovel and terraform the forest. Instead, Kammerlocher explains, you should take a blank piece of paper and craft your own perception.
When deriving your idea of sex from pornography, your perception can be based on false and potentially dangerous information. “Women expect a male partner to want sex all the time, and be aggressive about it, and be dominant. If they’re not like that, women get insecure and worried, [and wonder] ‘Does this mean he doesn’t love me, want me, or is not attracted to me?’” says Kammerlocher. Women are not “taught to feel interested and excited about sex,” she shares, while “porn creates this image for men of being this ‘sex machine’ and it being all about performance, not about humbleness or connection or being vulnerable.”
Porn changes how we think about sex, and how we value protection and safety for ourselves and our sexual partners. A 2024 report from the World Health Organization found that condom use has fallen for sexually active adolescents from 70% to 61% for males and 63% to 57% for females between 2014 and 2022. According to Dr. Sanchez and Jongsma, this reduced use of condoms reflects their lack of use in pornography. If other high-risk habits are mimicked as well, the risk of sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancy may increase. When sex is learned through porn, the absence of respect and care is mirrored in real life.
Even if you don’t specifically watch porn or engage with sexually explicit content, you can be impacted by its messages. We are constantly learning and internalizing the information present in our surroundings, so what we hear from our peers and experience with our partners can change the way we think about relationships. The scripts of commercial pornography have intertwined with ideas of sex and emotional intimacy, creating lasting impacts that can cause permanent harm to not just individuals but to society as a whole.
