Life can often be so busy that we get caught up in our own narrative, stories, and problems. But sometimes it’s important to remind ourselves about the stories of others, and how every stranger has a unique and powerful story to tell.
The story of Tom Stillman and Gary McCarthy’s friendship reminds us of the joy in life, the companionship, and the humanity that can be found in all our lives, regardless of if we feel those emotions in our busiest moments.
Tom Stillman was born in 1958, just two years before his soon to be best friend Gary McCarthy was born. The two first met in college at the University of Oregon where Gary was a freshman, and Tom, a junior. At first the two had mixed feelings about each other. “I didn’t not like Tom, but I didn’t like him either,” said Gary. Despite the bad first impressions, in Tom’s senior year the two moved in together. After moving to Chicago from their home in Connecticut, Tom’s mom divorced his dad. Since then, Tom kept virtually no contact with his father, and grew up with his mom and four step-siblings. Gary however, was raised by what he described as “three amazing people”: his mom, dad, and older brother, Jeff. Gary moved from Colorado to Arizona as a child before college.
Tom has always been a fan of fishing, movies, and hanging out with his son and Gary. Most recently, his favorite director is Greta Gerwig; “I really respect her talents” he elaborated. When his son and Gary are off “shooting the shit” as he puts it, he spends almost all his time with his beloved dog Krantz, reading, or on the water. Gary too shares his love of fishing, and Krantz: “I’ll give him that, Krantz is a good dog,” he said. Gary loves “walking around the park, and hanging out with Tom.” He further described recently trying boba and jokingly mentioned how Tom has yet to pay him back.
Tom opened an antique store after college which didn’t pan out. Afterwards, he worked most of his life at several book stores, and used investing as a way to be self-sufficient. “I was lucky to have a mom that cared about sponsoring my future,” he commented.
Gary, on the other hand, had “not a great financial situation growing up,” and worked for years in architecture and construction so he can now be in a place to “eat the cost of Tom’s boba.”
Gary loves the color navy blue, his favorite artist is Marvin Gaye, and his favorite movie is the 1986 picture “Stand By Me.” Tom loves dark green, summertime, the artist John Coltrane, and Henry David Thoreau’s 1854 book titled “Walden.”
After Gary’s brother died, and he and his wife separated, Gary said that Tom was always there for him and that he “never had a better friend.” Tom described Gary as “dependable, fun, humorous,” stating that “Gary always understood me, and helped show me the slower and beautiful side of life.” Gary described Tom as “loyal, loving, and a wild card,” and he further elaborated when he said, “Tom always kept things interesting.”
The pair have also taken their friendship across the world. With each country the two visit, Tom has taken it upon himself to learn the local language. However, his attempts at doing so have not always worked out as he planned. After college, the two were traveling together in Japan, and Tom attempted to speak Japanese but failed and accidentally said something quite disrespectful to an angry local. Gary stated that he “does admire his attempts to learn the languages of the places we visit; sometimes it works, other times not as much.”
In college, the two stole beer kegs for fun, and in their 40s they went hang gliding in Costa Rica. “Gary was scared, I wasn’t,” joked Tom. While living in Portland, the two once bought a tandem bike and rode it around in “annoying biker” outfits as Tom described, to cheer up Gary after the passing of his brother. “I actually still have that bicycle in my garage,” said Gary. The passing of Gary’s brother, “hit [him] really, really hard,” Tom said. He continues, explaining that, to Gary, his older brother was his biggest idol and “taught [him] to keep an open mind and not see stuff as black and white,” a role Tom filled for Gary after his brother’s passing.
Today Tom lives with his “stunningly beautiful, and amazing wife” named Sandy, whom he married in 1984. “She keeps me grounded when I get overwhelmed, [and] she is definitely my biggest love,” said Tom. Gary’s biggest love was his former wife Alyssa, whom he separated from when she got a job offer she couldn’t refuse in another country. Gary stayed as he couldn’t stomach leaving Tom and his parents at home. “We were on different paths, but I will always love her,” he explained through teary eyes.
To Tom and Gary, life is about happiness and people. For Gary the purpose of life is “to find the joy in whatever you can within this fucked up world, to find the joy in the little things, and to live without regrets.” Gary said that he has always lived by the mantra of “being the change you want to see in the world.” Tom shared similar sentiments as he stated, “I’m still figuring [out what the point of life is] but if you find out let me know. I suppose it’s learning how to be human to other people, how to treat them, and how to treat yourself.”
When asked what the wisest thing he had ever heard was, Tom recounted a statement told to him by his mother the day he left for college that stuck with him deeply: “millions long for immortality who don’t know what to do with themselves on a rainy afternoon.” Tom has always been enamored with humanity, and feels “people are the beauty of our world.” Gary loves people just as much as Tom, but he also has a deep appreciation for what he described as “the original life, life before humans. I think it’s something that can never be changed and can never be synthesized.”
When asked what each of them would say to their younger self, they both smiled, their whole life seeming to twinkle in their eyes, and turned and looked at me. When they spoke they seemed to be both speaking not just to their younger self, but also to every young person out there. Their life experiences allow them to pass on what they have learned. Gary urged his younger self to “live with less fear, to live with less anxiousness, and to not be afraid of risks, to adventure, and find joy, and to slow down, and appreciate where you are, or where you are going.” Tom urged the importance of family, and said, “talk to your mom more, appreciate those around you, and make more of an attempt.” He laughed and advised to avoid some, but not all of his past shenanigans. “Maybe stop stealing those kegs.”
Tom and Gary’s friendship proves how deep human connection can be. Their story is one of loss, happiness, fear, and love. It’s a story told millions of times before and will be told millions of times more; it’s simply the story of the human experience. A story that everyone has, and a story that Gary believes everyone should “pay a little more attention to.” As Tom gracefully put it, “Sometimes shit happens, but what makes humanity so great is that when it does, you’re never alone.”
