An Apocalyptic Amount of Choices in the Apocalypse

If something goes wrong, you might have to survive with the not-quite-so-human-anymore creatures. Are you prepared? Like the infected in “The Last of Us,” the zombies in “The Walking Dead,” or the aisles lacking toilet paper in the pandemic, humans are never adequately prepared for what is (or is not) in store. Whatever the case, the preppers among us have planned what they would do and where they might hide in these apocalyptic futures. Perhaps they own an underground bunker, or maybe it’s a treehouse high above the world (which hopefully zombies don’t learn to climb). Regardless, the first step to take when the world turns on humanity, is to gather supplies. I’ve compiled a list of the best stores to ransack when things go south.

Among Franklin students, of the most popular stores to hide in, Dick’s Sporting Goods seems a viable option. They sell a variety of tools to hunt, fish, and camp as well as a good assortment of clothing that could be helpful to get your hands on if you don’t already have outfits for cold weather or intense action. Although in an apocalypse, you’re much less likely to worry about changing out of your nice jeans before you cut off the head of your zombified grandmother. Dick’s Sporting Goods has almost anything you may need, including water filter straws, which would be incredibly helpful for if you end up needing to recycle old water.

Another good option would be an IKEA; though they may not sell anything too useful, you can always get a good night of rest in their perfectly designed beds. Perhaps you intend on getting the zombies lost in the real life backrooms that IKEA offers, or maybe you chose to redecorate while the world burns; either way there are wonderfully comfortable places to relieve yourself. Even if their toilets don’t work, I’m sure the scent will be horrid enough to drive away any people you may want to avoid.

Stores are a great option for staying hidden, but they’re not the only option. Maybe you choose to hide in the labyrinth that is Powell’s Books, or perhaps a friend’s house is the way to go for you. “My first thought is my cousin’s house,” says Evanna, a freshman at Franklin High School. “It’s close enough to run to and I can hopefully hide out there for a bit.” Assuming that her cousin’s house is as safe as she believes, the true issue would be getting there in the first place, as Evanna would have to cross Powell, yikes! “I [would grab] my eye shadow and try to disguise myself.” She explains that the zombies “are probably dumb enough to fall for it.”

Costco is a store of many wonders, with their high ceilings and mass amounts of basically anything you could think of. A big bonus to this store is the large shelving. If you’re careful enough, I’m sure you could climb them (The Franklin Post does not endorse climbing Costco shelving). But there are no rules in the apocalypse, so the top of those shelves could also be a good place to set up a base camp to stay at until the world calms down. That, along with all the materials that are easily accessible in a Costco, make this a great place to hide out. The only real downside to hiding in a Costco is just this: it’s everyone’s first idea. Ask anyone, what store would you hide in during the zombie apocalypse? Costco.

A more overlooked place to hide would be Bi-Mart; each time this conversation has been brought up, nobody mentions it. “I don’t know what Bi-Mart is like, I know it’s a store but I don’t know its vibe,” claims fellow Franklin Post staff member Lenore Myers. Bi-Mart is a store of many wonders; if you’ve never been in one, let me set the scene. You wander in, little green card in hand, as you walk around the store you notice something: it’s like a corner store, but… better? With a wide variety of non-perishable foods, weapons, and any sort of technology you may need, Bi-Mart has it all. Since this store is so rarely brought up, I think this is the best store to hide out in for a little bit.

One last store: With all its downfalls, I don’t think it would be a good place to hide, but I certainly think it would be interesting. Walmart. I consider this store to be the no man’s land of the apocalypse; who knows what could happen inside a Walmart when there are no laws to keep the world safe? Every time I step foot into a Walmart it’s almost as if I’ve stepped into a dimension where time and space don’t make sense, where it never will make sense. I don’t believe the zombies would be skilled enough to make it into this store; I believe that Walmart goers would band together and seize the moment, and they would not let the creatures attacking win. But we may never know. As they say, what happens in a Walmart stays in a Walmart.

What store would you ransack? Where would you hide? Whether or not the zombie apocalypse happens, those questions are amazing ice breakers. So as long as you don’t choose something like New Seasons (what do they even sell there besides overpriced, off brand, “healthy” food?), I’m sure you’ll be just fine.