Disclaimer: This article is satirical, and for entertainment purposes only.
According to TownAndTourist.com, “The Largest Thanksgiving parade in the U.S.A. is held in New York, the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade. Over three million spectators come to witness the parade while over 50 million people watch the parade on television…” In total, 53 MILLION people watch this parade, generating billions for the city as well as Macy’s. Compare those numbers to the current enrollment at Franklin, which is about 2,100 students. A Macy’s sized parade at our school could rack in 23,000 times the current student population, (assuming every viewer immediately signs up to attend a full class load). This could attract many new students to Franklin.
What could a Franklin Day Parade look like? What floats would be present? Where would the parade go? I have gathered information on what I believe would be a fantastic parade for Franklin.
First and foremost are the floats. Based on the current state of popular culture, there are a few celebrity candidates for these floats. Robert Pattinson has been a staple of Hollywood media since Cedric Diggory ran around that maze with Harry Potter. Pattinson’s perfect jawline and hypnotic eyes would stand out very well on a giant balloon. Following this Robert Pattinson balloon, the most reasonable option would be to hire multiple professionals to impersonate members of Franklin staff.
Logistically, the best way to raise money for a potential parade would be to utilize strategies inspired by religious tithing. A staff member would enter your classroom and ask for money from students. By relying on the psychology of peer pressure, students would virtually be forced to hand over cash in exchange for the respect of other classmates. This staff member could return approximately every five minutes, each time asking for more money. We repeat this process enough times, and eventually, we reach our monetary goal.
Parades usually have places in parks or public areas where children can play with each other in games organized by the parade runners. Instead of arranging for groups of students to participate in games of freeze tag or duck duck go, however, we go bigger. Here’s how it might look.
At the end of the parade, all the students are told to gather at Clinton Park without being told why. The students organize in a shambling herd. Principal Frazier addresses the crowd, a lottery ball machine at his side. He tells the students that “this is an idea I, and the rest of the administration, have been cooking up for a while.” All 2,100 students quiet their conversations to listen to their leader. “I will randomly select twenty lottery balls from this machine… Each one with the name of a student in every class, freshman through seniors.” The crowd stiffens, the only sound being the ominous rattling of the lottery balls as Mr. Frazier begins cranking the lever. Little do they know, chaos is now the only factor determining their fates. Mr. Frazier suddenly stops the machine. He starts steadily reading the names of the twenty students. People begin murmuring, but it is interrupted by Mr. Frazier’s booming voice. “These twenty students have been selected as part of a game. Starting in one hour, those chosen will be flown to an undisclosed location and asked to fight within an arena. This contest will be televised to all other Franklin students and staff. There is only one rule; survive.”
Those are my thoughts on what a hypothetical Franklin parade would look like! If you have any other ideas, questions, or most likely, concerns, please feel free to email me at [email protected]. I look forward to hearing from you on this matter.
