Disclaimer: This horoscope was written by someone who has no astrological accreditation whatsoever. Abby Emrich should not be trusted to give out any advice at any point ever, and this piece should not be taken seriously in any capacity.
Aquarius
(January 20-February 18)
This month, there is no substitute for unbridled laziness. Lean into your instincts.
Pisces
(February 19-March 20)
You will throw your back out soon while eating a burrito bowl. Though it may be scrumptious, slow down the pace a bit to avoid a trip to the hospital.
Aries
(March 21-April 19)
This month will be an emotionally powerful time for you, Aries. You may find yourself crying at unusual things, like seeing a dead bug on the road or a stray baby shoe on the ground.
Taurus
(April 20-May 20)
You will discuss a matter of grave importance with someone you mistake for an acquaintance. It will turn out to be a complete stranger, but a productive conversation will result from this mistake.
Gemini
(May 21-June 20)
Treat yourself this month, Gemini; buy yourself a nice pair of crocs. Those bad boys are expensive. Don’t feel guilty for splurging!
Cancer
(June 21-July 22)
Your lucky number this month is 48. Go buy 48 lottery tickets, spend a ton of money because no matter what you’ll make it back with no issue.
Leo
(July 23-August 22)
Against all odds, you will accomplish an extremely basic task. Despite all of the—wait, no one is stopping you? Just do it then. Jeez.
Virgo
(August 23-September 22)
The weird bump on your back is actually the head of your unformed twin. Treat him kindly this month, he will be going through a rough time.
Libra
(September 23-October 22)
Your next career: portrait photographer at the mall.
Scorpio
(October 23-November 21)
This month you will discover a new and utterly useless skill.
Sagittarius
(November 22-December 21)
Don’t be surprised if you receive unexpected praise or acknowledgment for something that you’ve been working on this month. That weird fanfiction you’ve been writing? Expect that to be exposed; everyone will love it though.
Capricorn
(December 22-January 19)
Expect the termites in your skull to make more noise than usual this month. They’re sensing an uneasiness in your inner thoughts. Listen to them closely.
