Oscars award being handed down. The illustration might be a metaphor if you really push the definition, but in reality, it’s just a picture off of a copyright free stock image website. Photo from Pixabay.com

DISCLAIMER: All of my opinions are simply wrong. I did not watch most of the movies I reference, and instead opted to skim plot summaries and use highly judgemental inference based on the poster.

Jimmy Kimmel is one of a kind. His joyful smile and sense of adventure bring light to dark rooms. Jimmy Kimmel is LITERALLY the most deserving of a spot in heaven when the rapture hits. 

After many backroom dealings —actors guild meetings at Bohemian Grove, reading Brad Pitt’s stool samples like tarot cards, and a whole lot of covering up for the previous thing—Jimmy Kimmel was chosen to represent the every-man in a room full of rich people. 

Jimmy! Stop running from me! Come back… That salt and pepper beard, those sweet almond eyes… Oh, that little smirk! What could we do without him? He is a God, plain and simple.

Actor Awards

Brendan Fraser won “Best Actor in a Leading Role” for his performance in “The Whale.” Defying the critics who thought he would ONLY play George of the Jungle in sequels where George gets older, and thus less able to swing on trees, until eventually passing away in an accident on set when he isn’t able to hold onto the vine anymore with his withering hands. 

Personally, I’m VERY happy Austin Butler didn’t win over Brendan Fraser. I don’t believe that Butler is a bad actor by any means. He scares me. Truly. I know in my heart that if acting didn’t work out, he’s the type of guy to be getting really good at BMX tricks on a dirt mound at the park by his house. 

Michelle Yeoh 360 behind-the-back dunked on the “Best Actress in a Leading Role” category in her role in “Everything Everywhere All At Once.” Her performance stretched from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other, and it was easy to empathize with her. Yeoh put the weight of the entire movie on her back and succeeded in carrying it in a full out sprint through the finish line.

Cate Blanchett lended well to the role of a conductor (musical AND train). Although I didn’t watch Tár, I trust Blanchett’s performance as the titular troubled middle-class white person waving around a wand to control groups of vaguely-British people; this reminds me of another movie franchise…

Movie Awards

“Everything Everywhere All At Once” won Best Picture, and Data from the Goonies finally gets his goddamn spotlight. The movie was universally loved; fans and critics alike found the movie enjoyable. However, one student at Franklin proudly stands against the herd. Student filmmaker Sam Dody gave his thoughts on the matter, stating “here you have a movie that is ultimately your standard Marvel movie affair, wrapped up with some pop-philosophy concepts and a story about family (how original!).” He continues, “then tied into a nice little bow under the indie label A24, and all of the sudden critics and hipster millennials go crazy over it.” Wowee! Those are some harsh thoughts.

“Guillermo Del Toro’s Pinocchio” made me simultaneously feel an overwhelming maternal urge towards Pinocchio, while also wanting to burn him in a pit of flames. Just as a quick aside, why does Del Toro always look like he’s 100 percent lost all the time, while trying to play it off like he knows where he is? 

Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson argue for two hours in a surprisingly entertaining story about friendship and the Irish civil war in “The Banshees of Inisherin.” 

If you are craving more action, Tom Cruise’s “60 Minutes” interview about Scientology will provide you with everything you need. Oh wait… wrong one. “Top Gun: Maverick” is a movie that I have not seen! But my grandma has, and she liked it a lot. However, my grandma also liked “God’s Not Dead” and “Let There Be Light,” so I would say take her opinion with a grain of salt. 

Other Highlights

The 2023 Oscars did not come packaged in a neat little bow of stuff I could easily make fun of; there was no slap, there was no John Travalota “Adele Dazeem,” and there was no “Moonlight” “La La Land” switcheroo. Those who won accepted their awards with nice little speeches, and there was, unfortunately, no controversy. However, I believe this lack of drama will be the downfall of the Oscars. Each year that passes without Ricky Gervais making everyone really uncomfortable or Jennifer Lawerence falling over, we as the audience lose just a little bit of faith in the award show. We need SOMETHING to keep us going. I’m praying for Mr. Kimmel’s health, as well as a more interesting Oscars ceremony next year.

P.S: Due to complaints from the higher ups (my parents and Ms. Kirsch), I am not allowed to receive feedback for articles through my email or phone number. Instead, out of both necessity and a desire for heartfelt feedback, I will now only be accepting signed, stamped, and mailed letters to my home. Please send the letters to the Woodstock Post Office in SE Portland. I promise to read and incorporate any and all feedback into my last few articles, no matter how extreme. I am a servant of the people. 

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