“Gone With The Wind.” “La La Land.” “Forrest Gump.” “A Minecraft Movie.” What is this elaborate list of critically acclaimed pictures? A list — in no particular order — of the greatest movies of all time. Two weeks ago, I set out on a mission at the Clackamas Town Center Cinemark: watch all 101 minutes of “A Minecraft Movie” in a seat that only reclines part-way.
For emotional support, I was joined by former Post Editor-in-Chief Annalise Shorb and current Forum Editor Francis Bolton. Most of the theater, however, was filled with nine-year-olds loaded with copious amounts of sugar.
I was given a brief moment of hope with the star-studded cast — Jason Momoa, Jack Black, and Jennifer Coolidge. Shorb seemed extra excited at the appearance of Jason Momoa. When Franklin sophomore Alexander Dalton, an avid Minecraft player, was asked if he was more excited about Jason Momoa or Jennifer Coolidge, he replied, “I don’t know. I wasn’t excited [at all].” But, when the lights dimmed, it became clear that “A Minecraft Movie” was not made for Dalton, Shorb, and me — or, frankly, anyone with object permanence. Plotlines appeared and disappeared, including — but not limited to — one about a character’s dead mother that was introduced and never mentioned again. Characters had the emotional depth of a dirt block. As Franklin sophomore Zeke Oliver explains, it seems like “they didn’t really spend that much time or money into the VFX or the casting, and I really feel like they should have done a cartoon of it more than a live-action movie.”
Meanwhile, the real action of the movie was happening in the theater itself. Behind us, two nine-year-olds were having a sword fight with their foam diamond pickaxes. A few seats over, someone was eating what I can only describe as the loudest bag of Skittles known to man.
Around the halfway point, Shorb spilled her smuggled tin of salted peanuts all over my lap, almost causing me to miss shouting “CHICKEN JOCKEY” as loud as I possibly could — unfortunately, I was out-screamed by a four-year-old in a Creeper hoodie. Oliver shares that while he had initially planned to opt out of screaming “chicken jockey,” he was awoken from his slumber during the film by four-year-olds around him screaming the phrase. Dalton claims the crowd was more entertaining than the movie. I realize that while the movie itself may not have been Oscar-worthy, the experience was entirely different. Ultimately, I rate this movie 3 diamond pickaxes out of 6 iron swords, or 2.5/5 stars for those of you villagers. Judge me in all my beauty, pain, humor, and grace. Watch me soar. I am Steve.
